AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS
AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in
Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m.
E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket
that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and
my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse
and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important
message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your
embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my
pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was
wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned
safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan . She had just bought
me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had
picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that
it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't
it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking
back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even
worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and
wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to
come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma"
as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd
done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank, as well as those of four other
people in the gas station, on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home
took 153 gallons, and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy
outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made
his day!].
I then threw your wallet into the big
pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb, after I broke the windshield and
side window, and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Earlier, I managed to get in two
threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense;
and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number
etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not
killing you; but, I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate
punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through
some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have
the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've
chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be
so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper
Fi!
Alex
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