Sunday, March 31, 2013

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

RABBIT IN THE FRIDGE

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?"
she asked.

The rabbit replied:
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?",
to which the lady replied
"Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said,

"I'm westing
Sorry... I couldn't stop myself.




Tuesday, March 26, 2013

NOW THAT'S AN EASTER BUNNY!

He weighs in at 22 pounds and measures a little over 3 feet. he is a breed of rabbit called german giant (how appropriate!). this is his owner, Hans Wagner, struggling to hold him up. from the NY Post article:
We don't feed him an unusual diet said Wagner. He goes through more than his brothers and sisters, but he eats the same food mix. His favorite food is actually lettuce. He can never get enough of it.
LOOK A T THOSE FEET!



Sunday, March 24, 2013

CALL THE DOCOTR

Contributed by Steve S

 
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
 

 
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

PASSWORD

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
the following password:



MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy



When asked why such a big password, she said "Well duuhhhh, it had to
be at least 8 characters long".

Friday, March 22, 2013

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

LITTLE AKIO

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"
 
Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 6, 2012."

Monday, March 18, 2013

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money...

Sunday, March 17, 2013

HEART WARMING IRISH STORY

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia, we promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all"
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Saturday, March 16, 2013

TWO DRUNK IRISHMEN

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. A fter a while, one guy
looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to
you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I!

A nd where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! A nd what street did
you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
Street in the o ld central part of
town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world , so did I! So did I!! A nd
to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, " A nd so did I. Tell me, what
year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can
hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you
believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's
in 1964 me own self."

A bout this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Friday, March 15, 2013

IRISH GHOST STORY

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were
traveling that night.


 The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

 Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate
 for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road. So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

 Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy
night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other..."Look Paddy...there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it!!"

Thursday, March 14, 2013

TWO DRUNK IRISHMEN

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. A fter a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I!

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world , so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, " And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's
in 1964 me own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
"It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

THE DRUNK IRISHMAN

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

THE DEATH OF SHAMUS

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Monday, March 11, 2013

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
 
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
 
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
 
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
 
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
 
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
 
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
 
Bob took the money...

DRUNK IRISHMAN IN CONFESSIONAL

A drunk Irishman staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

Sunday, March 10, 2013

CATHOLIC SCHOOL

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zacharia down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zacharia came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zacharia was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zacharia brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity..

She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zacharia looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she
replied, 'Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zacharia looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Saturday, March 9, 2013

IRISH CONFESSIONAL

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.  

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Friday, March 8, 2013

MULDOON'S DOG DIED

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" 

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Thursday, March 7, 2013

AFTER SURGERY

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.


His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and ! he said,"You're cute." 

The wife was disappointed because instead  of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

IRISH WOMAN'S CONFESSION

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." 

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." 

The young woman said,  "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." 

The priest thought long and hard and then said,  "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice." 

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

IRSHMAN'S CONFESSION

 A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I
almost had an affair with another woman." 


The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" 

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped." 


The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." 

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor
box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.


The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

Monday, March 4, 2013

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Friday, March 1, 2013