Sunday, February 28, 2010

PEOPLE OF WAL-MART: 3

Note: To see the image in a larger format, click on the image.

Trust me, buddy, you don't have to hang on to her. No one, no one, is going to try and steal
her away from you.



How cute! Mother and daughter dressed alike. A future Wal-Mart shopper in training.


Here's a genius idea. When going to the bathroom you still have to pull your pants down, but you no longer have to pull your shirt up.


Some people are confused about their identity, but I think this guy definitely got off the fence.



Quick, fill this Visine bottle with Drano. It's the only way I can get the red out.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

CONSTIPATION

To view image larger, click on it.


Friday, February 26, 2010

HE MAKES MONEY COMING AND . . .

Since his little affairs have come to light, several of Tiger Woods' sponsors have dropped him.

However, Pfizer has decided to sponsor him.

They are making a new drug called Tiagra.

It's good for 18 holes

Thursday, February 25, 2010

COMPUTER JOKE

Thanks to Rick O. for this contribution.

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

OLE IN DULUTH

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached the janitor. 'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.

Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
......

'I put drops in her eyes!!


Y'all thought this was going to be a dirty joke, didn't ya! ? ! ? !

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

TWO-DAY TUESDAY

Today is "Two-Day Tuesday" where you get 2 jokes for the price of one ! ! !

THE PRESIDENT ON HEALTH CARE & YOU

Note: To see the image in a larger format, click on the image.


Important message from the President regarding health care and you!





WHAT IS CELIBACY

Thanks to Steve S. for this contribution


Question:
What is Celibacy?


Answer:
Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances


Example:
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Wilbur and his wife Jill, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men, 'For instance, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Wilbur leaned over, touched Jill's arm gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Wilbur's life of celibacy.

Monday, February 22, 2010

PEOPLE OF WAL-MART: 2

Note: To see the image in a larger format, click on the image.

Think she's coming to Wal-Mart, in her finest outfit, for a job interview...?



Pssssst, hey buddy, unfortunately, we can still see you.


If you insist on wearing your underwear in public, at least make it age appropriate. Oh, wait,
she might try thong underwear next. Get some pants, girl, and quit with the house slippers.



If the entire word "bootylicious" can be easily read across your ass, here's a hint, it's
not actually "bootylicious" .



I'll bet prison morale really went down when this guy got released.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

PEOPLE OF WAL-MART: 1

Note: To see the image in a larger format, click on the image.


Here's 2 acres of bathing suit cover that's still 3 acres short.


The elusive thug-skullet-bald-mullet. Feeling jealous...?


Remember when your parents said you would regret that "tramp stamp" tattoo when you got older because it wouldn't look sexy any longer...? This is what they meant.


Somehow I doubt she is asking for directions to Saks Fifth Avenue.



Wow, nothing says "I have High Class and Low Class Friends" like a shirt that mixes computers and greenhouse gases.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

SNOWMEN LAUGHS: 3

Note: To see the image in a larger format, click on the image.






Friday, February 19, 2010

SNOWMEN LAUGHS: 2

Note: To see the image in a larger format, click on the image.







Thursday, February 18, 2010

SNOWMEN LAUGHS: 1

Note: To see the image in a larger format, click on the image.







Wednesday, February 17, 2010

LENT SONG

In Christian churches across the world, today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of the Penitential Season of Lent. We came across this song specifically composed for the Lent Season:

(sung to the tune of "Deck the Halls")



1) Ash Wednesday is upon us,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Tis the start of the Lent Season,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Now we give up things we have to,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
And that makes us all feel like poo,
Fa la la la la la la la la.



2) Tis the season to repent,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Sing the durges we resent,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Don we now our great big sack cloths,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Now we know that we must "back off,"
Fa la la la la la la la la.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

TWO-DAY TUESDAY

Today is "Two-Day Tuesday" where you get 2 jokes for the price of one ! ! !

OXYMORONS

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
I dunno, why do we?

QUOTE OF THE DAY: WOMEN

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her a bit of crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

Monday, February 15, 2010

Saturday, February 13, 2010

INSPIRATIONS FOR YOUR VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line for a valentine:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Friday, February 12, 2010

LITTLE THELMA

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, ”will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit, and then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Air Force could blow the shit out of him

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

WHO'S YOUR REAL FRIEND ?

This really works...! If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

TWO-DAY TUESDAY

Today is "Two-Day Tuesday" where you get 2 jokes for the price of one ! ! !

WINTER POEM

I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written. ENJOY!

SHIT,

IT'S COLD

The End