Sunday, July 31, 2011


Contributed by Scott G.

Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously

in the.....

No, no: No need to thank me. Just pass it along.

Saturday, July 30, 2011


The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.  The bad news is that it will require castration
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

Friday, July 29, 2011


Contributed by Carol I

There's an old saying that seems to apply: Creative minds are rarely tidy. I've used that often to explain my desk/workspace.

A picture is worth a thousand words...............................

A person's mind and his desk...........

William F. Buckley

 Nat Hentoff

 Albert Einstein

The President of the United States of America

Thursday, July 28, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,

'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

How do you know when it is time to "hang up the car keys"?


A picture is worth a thousand words!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011


Contributed by Rick O.

Why did the chicken cross the road ?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OSAMA: Let me be clear, the chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! Real change! Change he could believe in!

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2011. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Saturday, July 23, 2011


Contributed by  Carol I.

 Make up your mind, fox or shark.

 Retired plumber?

 Is that a, a, Oh. My. God.

You might want to stay away from the Pepsi ma’am, I hear it is bad for your tooth.

Friday, July 22, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 Ass backwards?

 I hope that giant box contains a giant pair of panties.

 After that bucket of fried chicken Lulu just had to take a quick nap.

 Dude, that comb over is not fooling anyone!

Please tell me she has on a thong…please!

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

You can’t say Carl doesn’t enjoy him some Turkey Day.

 Please… put down the candy!

Ummm Mama, your ass is showing!


 Okay, which one is fake, the beard or the boobs.

I think I am getting seasick!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 Connie found her favorite skirt from the second grade and discovered it still fit….almost.

 Back boobs?

 Leg boobs?

Truer words have never been written on the back of a giant wheel chair.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 Please tell me Aunt Harriet is sleep walking again.

 Ummm, NO!

 I think we just found Nemo. Must have been a miss-match sale at Goodwill.

 Excuse me, sir, your bikini top is untied.

Jim’s wife had no clue where her thong has disappeared to.

Monday, July 18, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 Taniqua’s thong is one of the new high rider models.

 Ever wondered what happened to Bozo the Clown?

 To all you kids out there with tats and piercings…this is you in 40 years!

Pink looks good on Bill. Especially with the black skirt! Wait, is that a bra?

Sunday, July 17, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 Pick a fold, any fold.

 Lateesha done got her a new weave and damn it’s looking so good you can play checkers on it!

 After shopping Bertha is going to the movies…she’s already picked her seat.

 Look at my slippers like that again and I’ll KEEL YOU!

What? Hookers gotta shop too.

Saturday, July 16, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 Pimp My Ride….PLEASE!

 Momma told me it was sexy to show a little cleavage!

 The 1980’s glasses, the giant pearls, the fake eyebrows and the Three Stooges haircut…it works for me.

 What…Jr. Was hungry and I didn’t want to loose my place in line!

I’m not sure a zebra purse is going out with style…

Friday, July 15, 2011


Contributed By Steve S.

You, who worry about democrats versus republicans--relax, here is our real problem. In a Florida State University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States. It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!

They breed and they walk Among US...

Thursday, July 14, 2011


Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate/government scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, mad cow, SARS, high gasoline prices, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome one of our greatest challenges yet.

Hundreds of Professional Football players in our very own nation are going to be locked out, living at well below their seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life sustaining pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming lockout situation. But you can help!

For only $27,080 a month, about $902.75 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NFL player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help!

Although $900 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a football player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, nine hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, a mortgage payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a football player,

$900 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $900 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.


Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.


Your NFL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses.

Remember, a lifestyle is a horrible thing to waste...



I would like to sponsor a locked out NFL player. My preference is (check below):

[ ] Offense [ ] Defense [ ] Special Teams [ ] Entire team

Please charge the account listed below $902.75 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player and my very own Roger Goodell (NFL Commissioner) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat).

Your Name: ____________________

Telephone Number: ___________________

Account Number: __________________Exp.Date:_______

[ ] Master Card [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: _______________________

Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):

Account Number: _______________________ Exp.Date:_______

[ ] Maste rCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other

Signature: ______________________

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Tuesday, July 12, 2011