Monday, December 31, 2012

CHRISTMAS CAROL PARROT

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.
Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then the parrot's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with the talented parrot under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under the bird's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to the parrot's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. The bird twisted his face, cleared his throat,
and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
 
"Chet's Nuts roasting on an an open fire"

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Friday, December 28, 2012

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Monday, December 24, 2012

REINDEER

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME …
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single reindeer, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known…...
ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

NO NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON DC

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

 


I LOVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!!
They remind me so much of POLITICANS.
They all hang together,
Half of them don't work,
AND
The ones that do...aren't that bright.

Friday, December 21, 2012

CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations.
The good news is that I truly outdid myself this year. The bad news is that I had to take them down after only two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). She was one of many people who attempted to do that.
My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.
I think I made him too real this time. But it was fun while it lasted. ;)
 
 
 

Thursday, December 20, 2012

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW YOUR CHRISTMAS CAROLS?

This 25-question quiz tests your knowledge of the lyrics of some our most
famous winter holiday songs.

After the quiz, see our reader-submitted Scared of Santa photo gallery.

The complete article can be viewed at:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/custom/offbeat/carolquiz,0,4294580.triviaquiz


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

ANTI-SANTA ARCHITECTURE



(Click on image to enlarge it to read the print)

Monday, December 17, 2012

CHRISTMAS DINNER

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize:

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about whom had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.


It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

 ~~~~~~~Merry Christmas!!!~~~~~

Sunday, December 16, 2012

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS


1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

 
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare…You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It will soon be Christmas!

 
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

 
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

 
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

 
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

 
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

 
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

 
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, please, have some standards!

 
10. One final tip: Wear sweatpants/loose fitting clothing. If you are leaving the party and you can walk without help from a construction forklift, "you haven't been paying attention, people!" Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.


  Remember this motto to live by:
 "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"


 
Have a great holiday season!!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Friday, December 14, 2012

THIS SAVES OUR FORRESTS

A Man's Christmas Tree for sure!


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

STRAIGHT NO CHASER - 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

Straight No Chaser - 12 Days (original from 1998) 

Straight No Chaser performs their version of "12 Days" for the first time, December 7th, 1998, at Indiana University.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8

Monday, December 10, 2012

A TOUCHING CHRISTMAS STORY

 
A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.


The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

PHOTO OF THE NEW GENERATION

Cont by Carol I




Times, they be a-changing…


It is important for us, the older generation, to understand the importance of this picture.

The world is moving fast and TIME is our only fixed income so it must be spent wisely and multiplexed when possible.

Photo of the new generation
 


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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

DEAR SANTA



"Dear Santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Monday, December 3, 2012

HAPPY FRIGGIN EVERYTHING!

Due to increasing age, forgetfulness, and my decreasing ability to send cards on time, here is my card to cover every Holiday ..
 
 
 
 



Happy Friggin Everything!
 

Sunday, December 2, 2012

PUTTING UP THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

Contributed by Carol I.



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Saturday, December 1, 2012

SWEET OLD LADY SAYING GRACE

Contributed by Carol I.

A sweet old lady (Mary Maxwell) is asked to say Grace at a gathering of "Seniors at Home" caregivers, and she brought down the house about 90 seconds into her prayer. Enjoy!

Friday, November 30, 2012

DRUNK IN A BAR


A drunk in a bar discovered that he had his pants wet, he turned to the right and asked the man if he had poured beer in his pants, the man said no. Then the drunk turned to the left and asked other man if he had poured beer on his pants, the man says no. Then the drunk said, "This must have been an inside job."

Thursday, November 29, 2012

LITTLE BOY AND MOMMY'S LICENSE


Little boy rambling in his mom's handbag and read her drivers license. When he came in the kitchen where she was he said, "Mom, I know how tall you are." She said with a smile,"Sure honey". When he told her, "5'6", she was startled. Then he said, "I know when you were born." She almost cut herself with the knife when he told her the month, day and year. Then he said, "I know why dad left home; because you got a "F" in sex."

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

BLONDE AT A FOOTBALL GAME

A man just took his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the games was over, he asked her if she liked the game. "Oh yes," she replied. "It was great, but there's one thing I don't understand." "What do you not understand?" "Well, at the beginning of the game, each team flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. During the game, everyone kept shouting "get the quarterback, get the quarterback, get the quarterback!" So I thought to myself, "God, it's just a quarter!"

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Monday, November 26, 2012

WINTER IS COMING

It was November and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold"?

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.

So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter"?

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

" A e you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold"?

" Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure"? the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Sunday, November 25, 2012

TOP 8 THINGS YOUR MOTHER WOULD NEVER SAY




-- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot, too.

-- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

-- That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.

-- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.

-- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

-- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.

-- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs? -

- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

ONE SPECIAL PIG

There was a couple of tourists passed by a farm where they had a three legged pig. Courteously they knocked on the farmers door to inquire about the pig as to why it only had three legs.

The farmer told him that it was a very special pig, "At one time when our daughter Judy was swimming in the pond and almost drowned that very pig, got all excited, came running up to the house, got our attention, and we went down to the pond and rescued Judy."

"Then another time, when the barn started on fire that same pig came running and got our attention, and we were able to save the farm."

"Yep that's one special pig and when you got one that special, you don't want to eat it all at once!"

Friday, November 23, 2012

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP.
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.

THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE,
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.

TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR,
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
GOBBLED UP
TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.

I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY,
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.


MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS.
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS!!


HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL
CLICK HERE FOR YOUR CARD  http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=HY27482779

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING

 
T'was the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen,
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
this rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.


There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.

I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !"

He looks all around and with total regret,
says "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life !


He flees from the room in terror and pain ,and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ?
Oh, shit, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell !!

I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.


Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Sunday, November 18, 2012

HOW PUMPKIN PIES ARE MADE

In case you were wondering, and just in time for Thanksgiving!


Saturday, November 17, 2012

Friday, November 16, 2012

LORD, IT'S ME


Note: To enlarge image, click on it.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

CORN MAZE FOR BLONDES


Note: Click on image to enlarge it.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

BLONDE GUY JOKE

 An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.”

 The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos! one more time I'm going to jump off, too.”

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.”

 The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.. She said, “If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, “Don't look at me. He always made his own lunch!”


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

DYNAMITE

A body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a Great Chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!"


The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."


He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.


The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
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The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

Monday, November 12, 2012

CALL-IN TO RADIO CONTEST

Contributed by Julie C.



I phoned the radio station today.

The presenter answered and said,
"Congratulations on being our first
caller, all you need to do is answer the
following question correctly, to win our
grand prize!"

"That fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" The presenter asked,
"Its a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in maths," I
proudly replied, "and teach it my local
school."

"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2
frontrow seats to a Justin Beiber
concert and to meet him back stage,
what is 2+2?"

"7" I replied.