Friday, September 30, 2011


Contributed by Nick V.

No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.

I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.

For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.

Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.

Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

$5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

They treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.

While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.

And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grandkids can use the pool.

What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.

Thursday, September 29, 2011


Cont. by Nick V

1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:




Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.

None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother

may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

"Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

I don't care what your political affiliation is, this is just good humor.

Monday, September 26, 2011


Contributed by Judy G.

The Team that Got Bin Laden (if you heard the "I" speech).

Sunday, September 25, 2011


Contributed by Alice W.

I'm not sure what Mozart or Chopin would think of these Polish
musicians, but they are obviously talented and don't take themselves too seriously.

click here: 

Saturday, September 24, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

This is at the pull off near SR 274 and Glutz Hole Rd. The deer was hit there. The couch was dumped there previously. Day two the deer was on the couch, day three the end table and lamp showed up. Day four the TV and TV stand arrived. The Trooper had to call PENN DOT and wait because of all the people stopping to take pictures.

Friday, September 23, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

You need to establish your priorities...

Some things are just more important.


You can always shit later.

Thursday, September 22, 2011


Contributed by Nick V.

When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.....

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Monday, September 19, 2011


Contributed by Rick O.

How to be cruel to old guys:

AARP Eye Chart  (Click on image to view larger image)

Sunday, September 18, 2011


Contributed by Rick O.

Saturday, September 17, 2011


Contributed by Rick O.

Friday, September 16, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business ."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Thursday, September 15, 2011


Contributed by Steve S.

The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.

The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is golf.

The amazing conclusion -

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot..

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Lowe's ever deliver the damn sheet rock..."

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 Please tell me she's wearing a thong !

 To do list: Quick stop at the candy aisle before bartending at Bubba's Bar & Grill.

 Did she just sink one in the side pocket ? Or would that be a slam-dunk ?

AND THE WALMART WINNER IS....................

Stuff them in your pants!

Monday, September 12, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 I didn’t know I could buy a table dance at Walmart too !

 Doesn't the flowered bra just bring the whole outfit together?

 You go girl ! This summer it's all about the layered look.

 No Sir, I'm not coming back into the store with you...I paid for the melons.

 Oh good ! A gutt-crack instead of all those butt-cracks !

Bought a paper shredder yesterday... love it ! Love it !

Sunday, September 11, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 It’s “bring sexy back”, not “bring sexy across your whole back-side”!

 Honey, when I'm done with the potato salad, can ya pass the dog food!

 I know they look good, but tell me, are they even ?

Like removing the flip-flops makes a big difference ???

Saturday, September 10, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 Should I buy the pies or plain bread?

 Oh dear God ! This must be what a cougar is !

 Dang, it's hot in here ! Good thing I clipped the legs on these pj's.

 Nothing runs like a Deere !

Yeah, the ankle weights are going to make a BIG difference!

Friday, September 9, 2011


Contributed by Carol I.

 Yes folks, Hershey’s has a new Butterscotch Chip!

 Look carefully. Can you believe more than one person bought these shorts ?

 Is that injured foot from kicking your own ass for wearing that out in public ?

So! Exactly how many sizes too small would you say this outfit is?

If you woke up in good spirits this morning, this should ruin the rest of your day !