Saturday, July 31, 2010

FITTING FOR THESE TIMES

Thanks to Rick O. for this contribution



A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee on the north side of an Arizona border fence. "Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife, eighteen children, and three pregnant daughters."



The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them." The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!



"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."



The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.



"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.



"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.



"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed, "Where is my new house?"




The fairy said: "Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you're a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

Friday, July 30, 2010

A DOGS LIFE

Thanks to Rick O. for this contribution

Definitely NOT politically correct but accurate.
This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddys are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My Dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn this is a great country

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I FOUND IT ! ! ! !

Thanks to Rick O. for this contribution!



And you thought there was no such place, huh????




You will all be so pleased to receive this...... How many times have we been 'up there without one!'

My work is done.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

WHY I'M SO DEPRESSED

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

THE IMPORTANCE OF CLEAR COMMUNICATION

It all makes sense now... this is an illustration of the importance of clear communications.



On his death bed, Earl Woods gave Tiger the following advice:





"Focus on golf. Screw everything else."

A LITTLE MAGIC

This will drive you up a wall!!
Click on this Link: http://www.quizyourprofile.com/guessyournumber.swf
please don't ask me how this works because I will not tell you (cause i don't have a clue!!!)

Monday, July 26, 2010

IT'S HARD BEING A GIRL! !

Cont. by Carol I.

How fairy tales really end:


Cinderella


Snow White

Little Red Riding Hood


Sleeping Beauty


Jasmine (Aladdin)




Belle (Beauty and the beast)



The little mermaid

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

NEWSPAPER CLIPPIGS - 2







TIMELY HUMOR

Where is this wall?

Apparently they didn't consider the sun when designing this wall...



Or maybe they did! !

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

CHURCH SIGNS - 1







PERSONAL AD FROM THE "SAVANNAH TRIBUNE" DEC. 2009

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend...'s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb…after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you, but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.
Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

Monday, July 12, 2010

HOW DINOSAURS BECAME EXTINCT

How Dinosaurs became extinct

or

The very first "senior moment"