Saturday, March 31, 2012

THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

Contributed by Pam R.


FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:


Please enjoy and understand the following
:


1.
DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2.
ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3.
ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4.
IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5.
THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6.
I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE..

7.
WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8.
IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9.
IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10.
IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11.
WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13.
IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14.
WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15.
WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16.
IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17.
CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18.
IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19.
WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20.
HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21.
WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22.
ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23.
DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24.
HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25.
IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26.
IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27.
IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28.
WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29.
WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30.
WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31.
WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32.
IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

33.
CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?

Friday, March 30, 2012

OOPS!

Contributed by Carol I.

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.


As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so after their long trip I let them take a nap in our bedroom. Did you stop in to say 
hello?

Thursday, March 29, 2012

CARTOONS FOR SENIORS

Contributed by Carol I.
























Wednesday, March 28, 2012

LIP STICK IN CATHOLIC SCHOOL

Contributed by Dolores C.

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something major had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers..... And then there are educators.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

Contirbuted by Rick O.


These four older ladies who lived in Italy always sat outside together near the church and chatted about when they were younger.




One month ago they pooled their money together and bought a laptop.

Never having been, but having heard all about Florida, they just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL.

There they read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by the Spaniards when they arrived there.

They collected up all they had left and sent for four bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived, they drank as directed.

The rest of this story will make you a believer, because here they are today...


 

No... This is TRUE! - Really!

Would we lie to you?

We have a limited supply of this water available at an incredibly low price of just $1,499.95 a bottle.

Seriously ..

HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!!!!

Monday, March 26, 2012

CASANOVA PRANK

Contributed by Carol I.


This little boy is TOO MUCH! Wait until you see his facial expressions!

Sunday, March 25, 2012

THE OIL CRISIS

Contributed by Carol I.

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. ~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~ Coastal Alabama ~~~~ Coastal Mississippi ~~~~
Coastal Texas
~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~
And
Texas

~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
~~~
Any Questions?
NO? Didn't think So.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

CHILDREN ARE QUICK

Contributed by Julie C.
 
 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

--------------------------------------------------------

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,

but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..

Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.


(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people

are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

Friday, March 23, 2012

SPEEDING IN FLORIDA

Contributed by Nick V.

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

THE MAGIC GREEN HAT

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT. When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the hat.....


It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

WHY KIDS NEED A PET - 3

Contributed by Carol I.














Tuesday, March 20, 2012

WHY KIDS NEED A PET - 2

Contributed by Carol I.











Monday, March 19, 2012

WHY KIDS NEED PETS

Contributed by Carol I.






Sunday, March 18, 2012

IRISH CONFESSIONAL

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.


There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."



The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

Saturday, March 17, 2012

PADDY HAS A PROBLEM

Mick met Paddy in the street and said, "Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future?"


"Bejaysus why?" Paddy asked.

"Because," said Mick, "the whole street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday."

Paddy said, "Stupid bastards, the laugh's on them...I wasn't home yesterday."

Friday, March 16, 2012

IRISH GHOST STORY

This happened in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock story, it's supposedly true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. No cars were traveling that night.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road.  So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other..."Look Paddy...there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushin' it!!"

Thursday, March 15, 2012

JOKES FROM IRELAND - 5

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin,.... there's ...no PAPER on this side either...."

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

JOKES FROM IRELAND - 4

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

JOKES FROM IRELAND - 3

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door..

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda.. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out 3 times to pee...!"

Monday, March 12, 2012

JOKES FROM IRELAND - 2

 An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there,... I thought I'd gone deaf."

Sunday, March 11, 2012

JOKES FROM IRELAND - 1

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.  Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Friday, March 9, 2012

OLD FOLKS TEST

Contributed by Rick O.

You have been selected to participate in an important research project because you are OLD. This important study is designed to gather decision making information on OLD (like you) Folk's ability to think logically and arrive at a reasonable conclusion.

Please examine the attached photo and answer the questionnaire that follows.

The result of this test will determine if your children will need to place you in a old folks storage facility. (Assisted Living) and take control of your finances.

Thank you for your participation.

Your heirs really appreciate it.
Sincerely

Jack Sprat
President of POF- Hi
Place Old Farts in a Home so I can Inherit.


A Reasoning test . . . .
YOU HAVE 5 SECONDS TO GUESS WHICH ONE IS A MILLIONAIRE.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

ITALIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT

Contributed by Carol I



One dark night in the small town in
Garfield, NJ,  A fire started inside the local sausage factory.
In a blink the building was engulfed in flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments

For miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared

On the scene, the sausage company president
  Rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our  Secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the  Center of the plant. They have to be saved,  So I will donate $50,000 to the fire company  That brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in
  Because the situation became desperate. As the
Firemen arrived, the president announced that the offer to
  Extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000  To the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard
  As another fire truck came into sight. It was the  Fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ. The volunteer  Fire department composed mainly of Italian
Firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down

Fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters,

Passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and
  Drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement
  As the Italian old timers jumped off and began to  Fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their
Own lives. Within a short time, the
Lodi old timers
Had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully
  Announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment  He was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked
Over to personally thank each of the brave elderly

Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event
   on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian
Fire chief,

'What are you going to do with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli,

The 70-year-old fire chief, 'de fursta tinga we gonnna
   Do isza fixa de brakes on dat damna truck!!'

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

BUS TRIP

Contributed by Rick O

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you...
Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ... I'll see you on the bus!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

YEARLY DEMENTIA TEST

Contributed by Rick O.


Your Yearly Dementia Test

It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin...


1. What do you put in a toaster?










Answer
: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else..
Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said, bread, go to Question 2.





2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?







Answer
: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.



3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?


Answer
: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.




4.
Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading ,
6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In
Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff ,
11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea ,
3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen,
6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven
..

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?





Answer
: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?

It was YOU driving the bus!!

Monday, March 5, 2012

SHAMPOO WARNING! ! !


WARNING TO US ALL!!!........PLEASE READ!

INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!


YOU NEED TO READ THIS. DON'T DELETE IT BEFORE READING!
...

Shampoo Warning

I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

I use shampoo in the shower!

When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and

Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,


"FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."


No wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and

I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.

Its label reads,


"DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."


Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone - I'll be in the shower!


Sunday, March 4, 2012

BORN A LUTHERAN

Each Friday night after work,Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Ortonville all the way to Clinton , and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic.  After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."


Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors,and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a walleye pike."

Saturday, March 3, 2012

FUN DEFINITIONS

Contributed by Rick O



Some people really live outside of the box !





MENSA INVITATIONAL
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once
again invited readers to take any word from
the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

 

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of
getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

 
 
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.