Wednesday, March 31, 2010

DEAD MULE

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville , MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day...

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already.."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that deadmule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

TIGER WOODS DRIVING RANGE GAME

Click on the link below or cut and paste it in your browser to play the new Tiger Woods Driving Range Game!

http://www.atom.com/fun_games/tiger_woods_defense/?xrs=eml_121709

ANOTHER BLONDE JOKE

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.


Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.


She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....

You'll love this...

Yep. I know you will...


"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

Monday, March 29, 2010

THE HAIRCUT

A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he would make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. A fter about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair. There's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

ECONOMIC INDICATORS

1) I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2) CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

3) Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

4) A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

5) Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

6) Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

7) The Mafia is laying off judges.

8) Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And, finally....

9) I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!

GAY TERRORIST

I thought you might like to know "How to Recognize a Gay Terrorist"


His name is: "YOMAMA BIN SHOPPIN

Monday, March 22, 2010

NEW PASTOR

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'


'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

OXYMORONS

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

I dunno, why do we?

Saturday, March 20, 2010

BLONDE WITH STRANGE PASSWORD

During a recent password audit, it was found that a
blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told
that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one
capital.




Happy Spring! ! ! Which arrives at 1:32 PM today! ! ! ! ! !

Friday, March 19, 2010

THE AISLE SEAT

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat...

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW...THE PROUD... THE MARINES .

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

ANOTHER DREAM SHATTERED

Finally, someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!!!

Wouldn't you know it!!!!!




HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY ! ! ! !

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

TWO-DAY TUESDAY

Today is "Two-Day Tuesday" where you get 2 jokes for the price of one ! ! !

MURPHY'S PUB

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'


The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other guy says, ' A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?'

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, ' And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

DYING IRISH NUN

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some
warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back
to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the
previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm
milk.

When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she
had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before
you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said,
"Don't sell that cow."

Monday, March 15, 2010

IRISH JOKE

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, " Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."


She said, " Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Sunday, March 14, 2010

THE IRSHMAN AND THE MORMON

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .


After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.


The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.


He replied in disgust. I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.


The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, me too, I didn't know we had a choice!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

BILL AND TOM

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench Saw.

Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the Local hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in
Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill Out the back exercising his now reattached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on Another Bloody big saw thing.

So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising.

And sure enough, there's Bill doing some serious work on the Treadmill.

And so Bill comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and Severs His head.

Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to Hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him In.'

'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dumb bastard put his head in a plastic bag And He suffocated.'

Friday, March 12, 2010

IRISH JOKES

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
**********************************************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

Acop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
***********************************************************************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."


"Imust, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."

************************************************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
*********************************************************************************************************
AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

Thursday, March 11, 2010

IRISH HUMOR

Just a wee bit more....Irish humour

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"
She replied, " Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, " And be there any wee little ones yet?"
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, " And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle."

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

SHORTEST BOOKS I KNOW

WHAT I DID TO EARN THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE

by Barack Obama
_________________________________________

OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING

by Tiger Woods
_________________________________________

Sequel:
ALL THE BLACK WOMEN I'VE SLEPT WITH

by Tiger Woods
_________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael Moore
__________________________________________

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
How I Helped After Hurricane Katrina

by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
__________________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton
__________________________________________

Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY

By Bill Clinton
__________________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden
__________________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates
__________________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman
__________________________________________

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE

by Al Gore & John Kerry
__________________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
__________________________________________

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J.. Kevorkian
__________________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

___________________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson
___________________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
___________________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson
___________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by the late Ted Kennedy
___________________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton, with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
___________________________________________

AND, JUST ADDED:

A COMPLETE COMPENDIUM ON MILITARY STRATEGIES

By Nancy Pelosi

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

TWO-DAY TUESDAY

Today is "Two-Day Tuesday" where you get 2 jokes for the price of one ! ! !

BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine cooly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, and then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7'inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, Sweden and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over Two Hundred million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.....Tiger

HOW TO WASH A TOILET

How to wash a toilet


This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you...

1. Put both lids of the toilet up.
Add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.


2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close the lid.
You may need to stand on the lid..

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash and rinse'.


6.. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.


7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.



8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
And run outside where he will dry himself off.


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.






Sincerely,

The Dog

Monday, March 8, 2010

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN FIGHTER IF . . .

Our troops in Afghanistan prove yet again they have retained their sense of humour. One of them sent this: "YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN FIGHTER IF.."

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

9. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

6. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

5. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

4. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

1. You've always had a crush on your neighbour’s goat.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

WOW! I'M RICH ! !

Thanks to Carol I. for this contribution.


Boy, I'm rich!


Silver in the Hair


Gold in the Teeth.

Stones in the Kidneys.

Sugar in the Blood.

Lead in the Feet.

Iron in the Arteries.

And an inexhaustible


supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd


accumulate such wealth.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

GENERATION "Y"

The Silent Generation are people born before 1946.

The Baby Boomers are people born between 1946 and 1959.

Generation X are people born between 1960 and 1979.

Generation Y are people born between 1980 and now.

Why do we call the last one generation Y? I didn't know, but a cartoonist explains it eloquently below... Learned something new today.






Friday, March 5, 2010

REMEMBER

Remember when Ronald Reagan was president, we also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash still with us...


Now we have Obama … no Hope and no Cash!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

CHURCH SIGN

NOTE: To view image larger, click on the image.

Gotta becareful what you pray for.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

SAD BUT TRUE FACTS

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror...

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:

WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

TWO-DAY TUESDAY

Today is "Two-Day Tuesday" where you get 2 jokes for the price of one ! ! !

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

IRISHMAN IN AN ENGLISH STORE

Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. A s yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked 'What might ye be sellin' here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're Selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, 'You're doing well ... Only two left!'

Englishmen - God bless them - should not mess with the Irish!

CROWDS PANIC AS FLOODS THREATEN IRELAND


Monday, March 1, 2010

IRISH CATHOLICS

A married Irishman went into the confessional and
said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with
another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his
prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He
paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to
him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in
the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she
said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be
forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made
mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink
the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile
off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with
only a pet dog for company. One day the dog
died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and

asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be

\saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya
think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old,

have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times.'

Priest: ' A re you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'