Saturday, August 31, 2013

ROUGH DAY

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK ! I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."


I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change
hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet, a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo! Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?


I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.  Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of
me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter  disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror !

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat.
Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.  Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life.

That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found!

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"but all I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake!" I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK ! My grandfather does stuff like this all the time!"

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was
racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast!

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I
handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home !  

Friday, August 30, 2013

CEMETERY PLOT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

REAR END COLLISION

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

NINA CONTI - THE ART OF VENTRILOQUISM AT ITS BEST

Contributed by Rosemary M.
 
Yes, I know over the years you've seen your share of Charlie McCarthy, Lamb Chops, Jeff Dunham, etc. But I think after seeing this one you'll agree it certainly is a first. This gal is something else.......

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
... I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

Monday, August 26, 2013

AN OXYMORON LESSON

Contributed by Glen V.


The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing, this year, the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever, to 46 million people.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

Thus ends today's lesson!

Sunday, August 25, 2013

AND GOD LAUGHED - 4

Contributed by Rick O.













Saturday, August 24, 2013

80 YEAR OLD CHURCH ORGANIST

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
...
"Oh yes!" she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter."

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Monday, August 19, 2013

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Friday, August 16, 2013

APPLYING FOR SOCIAL SECURITY


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.   The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
 
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.  She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
 
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
 
And then the fight started...

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

MOM QUESTIONS - 6

Contributed by Phyliss M.


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:



What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

MOM QUESTIONS - 5

Contributed by Phyliss M.


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:



What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

Monday, August 12, 2013

MOM QUESTIONS - 4


Contributed by Phyliss M.


Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:



Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Saturday, August 10, 2013

MOM QUESTIONS - 3

Contributed by Phyliss M.


Answers given by 2nd grade school
children to the following questions:



What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Friday, August 9, 2013

MOM QUESTIONS - 2

Contributed by Phyliss M.


Answers given by 2nd grade school
children to the following questions:
 

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

MOM QUESTIONS - 1


Contributed by Phyliss M.


Answers given by 2nd grade school
children to the following questions:
 
 
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

OUR PAPERLESS FUTURE

Contributed by Carol I.

Good one ..... short (39 seconds). Don't miss the last 5.
http://www.flixxy.com/the-paperless-future-emma.htm

(you may have to cut and paste the web address into your browser)

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Monday, August 5, 2013

PLAY DUMB

Contributed by Julie C.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

AND GOD LAUGHED - 1

Contributed by Rick O.

Through a child's eyes:







Saturday, August 3, 2013

Friday, August 2, 2013