Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Monday, October 29, 2012

A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house


He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.


Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, And this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, And I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. Will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a Table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly.  Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory,
Which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play,

And a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on

Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm

Begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:


(scroll down)






(keep scrolling)







(a little more)



"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"




(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)


Sunday, October 28, 2012

CURCH SIGNS

Church Signs in England...
The English have always had a
Way with words!
 




































 

Saturday, October 27, 2012

WHAT DOES YOUR DADDY DO?

Contributed by Kathy E.


Little Ashley was in her 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up-- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Ashley was being
uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked her about her
father.

My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go
out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took Little Ashley aside to ask
her, Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said A hley, "He plays for the Cleveland Browns, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Friday, October 26, 2012

WEATHER FORECAST



It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold"?

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.

So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter"?

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.

" A re you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold"?

" A bsolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure"? the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

Thursday, October 25, 2012

HUNTING SEASON



Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing
50 mph! I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

So I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She
sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in
that crap?"

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

SOME SENIOR THOUGHTS

Contributed by Nick V.


God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.


19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE..........

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE

Contributed by Nick V


As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me.

Monday, October 22, 2012

FIGHT LIKE A GIRL

Contributed by Nick V

























Sunday, October 21, 2012

THE PASTORS ASS

Contributed by Rick O.



The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won
again.


The local paper read:


PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline read:



BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.


This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:



NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.


The Bishop
fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10...


This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.


The next day the
headlines read:



NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.


The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and

live longer

Saturday, October 20, 2012

MEDICARE

Contribued by Nick V.


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello..'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs.. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV... We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?', questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town . . If he finds his way home . . Don't sleep with him.'

Friday, October 19, 2012

THE SOUTH

Contributed by Nick V.



Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph,
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue
lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!"
and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked
up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift
ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason
for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off
with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
 

Thursday, October 18, 2012

GETTING OLD

Contributed by Nick V.

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan bsp;'s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.
Here are the lyrics she used : -(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things.
Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.



When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things...

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Contributed by Nick V

SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present
ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful
image.


Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals


2.. Spiked hair and bald spots


3. A pierced tongue and dentures


4. Mini skirts and support hose


5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads


6. Speedo's and cellulite


7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar


8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor


9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge


10. Bikinis and liver spots


11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Contributed by Nick V

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.



Monday, October 15, 2012

PRESS THE RED BUTTON



NEED SOME EXCITEMENT IN YOUR LIFE ???


TRY THIS !!


You just never know what might happen next
time you go out for a quiet cup of coffee!
 
Press the red button and find out........
 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

LITURGY THOUGHTS


Note:  Click on image to enlarge it.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET - THE FUN WAY

Contributed by Julie C.

Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Friday, October 12, 2012

DON'T FORGET THIS SATURDAY


Anything to help our country!




I know you will want to participate in this patriotic and noble cause.



WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY



Don't forget to mark your calendars.



As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.



So this Saturday at 1 P.M. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.



Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.



All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.



Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.



The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.



God Bless America !!



P.S. If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists .



Thursday, October 11, 2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

A COWBOY TOMBSTONE

Contributed by Nick V

 
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

WILL ROGERS ON GROWING OLDER

Contributed by Nick V.



First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


Monday, October 8, 2012

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

Contributed by Nick V.


NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and WWWildman
EATING OUTWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMSA man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTSA woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTUREA woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UPA woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURALMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRINGAh, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



 

Sunday, October 7, 2012

IRISH NUN

Contributed by Steve S.


In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old
Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.


One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle
of Irish Whiskey that had been a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.


Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the
whole glass, down to the last drop.


As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.


"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

"NEVER SELL THAT COW."

Saturday, October 6, 2012

BEAVER DAM



Whether this actually happened or not, it's still funny!

This is government bureaucracy stupidity on cruise control

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious.

State of Pennsylvania's letter to Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State-unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorized, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature’s building materials: 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,


RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS