Thursday, February 28, 2013

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

YOU KNOW THE HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN THE COMEDIANS START

Contributed by Barb O
 

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree...and think 25 to life would be
appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy
Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you
has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call
lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society. The other is for housing
prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were
on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result
of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper
stickers off the road.
--David Letterman

Sunday, February 24, 2013

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

  
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.  
She'd seen many books on the subject, 
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, 
she made for the ice.

  
After positioning her comfy footstool, 
she  started to make a circular
cut in the ice.  

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
  
"THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

  
Startled, the blonde moved
further down the ice, 
poured a thermos of cappuccino, 
and began to cut yet another hole. 

Again from the  heavens the
voice bellowed,
  
"THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

  
The blonde, now  worried,
moved away, 
clear down to the opposite end of  the ice. 
She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,
 
  
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

  
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, 
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

  
The voice replied,  
  
"NO, 
THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Friday, February 22, 2013

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Monday, February 18, 2013

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Friday, February 15, 2013

Thursday, February 14, 2013

INSPIRATIONS FOR YOUR VALENTINES DAY CARD

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line for a valentine:
Love may be beautiful, love may be blissbut I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

VALENTINE'S DAY

Ed forgot to get his wife something for Valentine's Day....

So his wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow afternoon, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. A round 2:30 that afternoon his wife looked out the window and sure enough, there was a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she quickly ran out to the driveway, picked up the box and brought it into house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

VALENTINE DAY PUPPY

A PUPPY has been born in Japan with a large,

clear, love-heart-shaped pattern in his coat.

The Chihuahua was born in May as one of a litter to a breeder.

Shop owner Emiko Sakurada said it was the first time a

puppy with the marks had been born out of a thousand she had bred .

She had no plans to sell the puppy, which has been named 'Heart-kun'.

The long-coated male Chihuahua puppy was born in Odate,
northern Japan




Monday, February 11, 2013

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Friday, February 8, 2013

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Monday, February 4, 2013

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI EXPLAINS THE AFTERLIFE

Contributed by Pam R.


If you are Catholic, you will laugh out loud. If you are not
Catholic, you will laugh even louder!

http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=241391

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Friday, February 1, 2013

THE MILK BATH

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my chest. I can splash it on my eyes."