IRISH CATHOLICS

A married Irishman went into the confessional and
said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with
another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and
rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his
prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He
paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to
him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in
the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on
the box, and according to you, that's the same as
putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious young woman who went to
Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she
said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be
forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made
mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink
the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my
sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile
off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with
only a pet dog for company. One day the dog
died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and

asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be

\saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot
have services for an animal in the church. But there
are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya
think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the
service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of
Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old,

have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times.'

Priest: ' A re you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'