SLEEP IN?

CAN'T HANDEL THE BOOZE

ANSWER THAT PHONE! !

WAITING FOR THAT IMPORTANT PHONE CALL

WHOA! !

THE BLONDE AND THE VENTRILOQUIST

The blonde and the ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Delaware . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

TWINS OR AN IMPOSTER?

WHAT POWER

YOU CAN'T FOOL THE LITTLE ONES

GRANDPARENTS AND MODERN TECHNOLOGY

DON'T LEAVE THE OVEN ON!

LEAVING TOWN

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ...
I'll see you on the bus!

NICE PIGS

Contributed by Mike Grathwol

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of

The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir.

" The President replied: "These are not pigs.

These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.

I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton,

and I got one for Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, Sir."

FLAT TIRE

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to  the shoulder of the road, carefully, get out of the car and open the  trunk. I took

out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the  rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you  wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their
 nude bodies  to the approaching drivers. To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life like men.
 

And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?' 

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'  

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

COSMETIC SURGERY TAKES A NEW TWIST

GARNORMOUS SNOWMAN

THE SNOW CAT

UH - OH! ! !

DON'T DO IT! ! !

CIGARS ARE BAD FOR YOU

SHADDY CARROT GUY

SNOW HEAD CONE

KEEP YOUR NOSE OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S BUSINESS

CARL'S BEEN WORKING OUT

FROSTY GETS CAUGHT

MISTLETOE

CHRISTMAS CAKE

You'll need the following:

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. A dd one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK.

Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. A dd one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

A CHRISTMAS STORY

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has A IDS.
A nd just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

A nd the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
A ssembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

THE RED WAGON

It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor  of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle.

He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"asked the pastor.

The little boy replied, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.

ANGELS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.

-Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it

-Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.

-Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.

-Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.

-Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!

-Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.

-Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.

-Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.

-Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.

-Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.

-Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.

- , 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.

-Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.

-Sarah, 7

I SAID THE . . . .