WHAT ANIMALS DO - 1

Contributed by Mary CR

This is NOT a Bath Towel! !

This is NOT a bath towel. Do NOT step on it!

Don't put it in the dryer, either!

TESTING, TESTING

Contributed by Rick O.




During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not a retiree should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the retiree and ask him or her to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

DEAR ABBY

Contributed by Rick O.


Dear Abby ,


My husband has a long record of money problems.

He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.

Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.

Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics, the next with Lutherans, the next with Baptists and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.

Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.

It's just so horribly creepy!

Can you help?


Signed, Lost in DC



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Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. The rest of us are stuck with the bastard for two more years!

Abby

SHOOTING ACCIDENT

Contributed by Carol I.

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew and the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.  Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.  The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it.  I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

SELL MY STUFF

The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."


"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff.."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

MENSA INVITATION

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

PANTYHOSE RIDDLE

 Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it...Ready?
scroll down, you'll love this..........






answer:

10 little piggy's,





2 calves,









1 ass,


 
 







and an unknown number of hares,


 
 





Come on, you know you're laughing!




Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.

FIRST WAL-MART PICTURES OF 2011 - 4

FIRST WAL-MART PICTURES OF 2011 - 3

FIRST WAL-MART PICTURES OF 2011 - 2

FIRST WAL-MART PICTURES OF 2011 - 1

AGE APPROPRIATE CARTOONS - 2

AGE APPROPRIATE CARTOONS - 1

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

Cont. by Mike G.

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.


Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,

..."For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:

"Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.



The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female...!!

"THIT"

A precious little Texas girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner,


"Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"

As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms, Leans forward and says;

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

NEW POLITICAL CARTOONS & PICTURES

CARTOONS - 4