Contributed by Carol I
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.
The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.
'Oh, that........... Chuck was too tired.'
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
WHAT A DOG DOES WHEN IT'S COLD
Contributed by Carol I
This video is only 13 seconds long, but it's waaaaaaaaaay cute!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
DIFFERENT DRUG PROBLEM
Contributed by Nick V
Note: Click on image to enlarge it in order to read it.
Note: Click on image to enlarge it in order to read it.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTER
Contributed by Rick O
|
Friday, January 27, 2012
BAPTIZING A DRUNK
Contributed by Nick V.
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk Replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk Replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
LEVELS OF STRESS
Contributed by Carol I
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital
Now that’s stressful
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.This is getting very stressful
So then you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth
. You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way home, you think about your 3 kids
Now. that is stress
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
SPLINTERS
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, obama supporter and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down!"
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
GETTING A HAIR DRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS
Contributed by Eileen M.
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her
birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will
not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The
official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what
do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?' '
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her
birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will
not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The
official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what
do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
GERMAN MODEL MINIATURE OPERATIONAL AIRPORT
contributed by Carol I
|
Thursday, January 19, 2012
AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS
Contributed by Carol I.
On a flight where there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want, passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
***********************************************
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
***********************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
************************************************
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
*************************************************
"Thank you for flying with us. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
*************************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at LAX Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
**************************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Denver, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
***************************************************
From a SouthWest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Flight 271 to Chicago. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
****************************************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
****************************************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than American Airlines."
****************************************************
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
****************************************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
****************************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
*****************************************************
Heard just after a very hard landing in Atlanta: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what you’re all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
****************************************************
Overheard on a flight into Chicago, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Windy City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
****************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
***************************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
****************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
***************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Delta Airways."
****************************************************
Heard on a American flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
On a flight where there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want, passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
***********************************************
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
***********************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
************************************************
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
*************************************************
"Thank you for flying with us. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
*************************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at LAX Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
**************************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Denver, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
***************************************************
From a SouthWest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Flight 271 to Chicago. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
****************************************************
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
****************************************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than American Airlines."
****************************************************
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
****************************************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
****************************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
*****************************************************
Heard just after a very hard landing in Atlanta: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what you’re all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
****************************************************
Overheard on a flight into Chicago, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Windy City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
****************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
***************************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
****************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
***************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Delta Airways."
****************************************************
Heard on a American flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
KULULA AIRLINES
Contributed by Carol I.
NOTE: To enlarge picture, click on it.
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new designs on two of their planes!
NOTE: To enlarge picture, click on it.
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new designs on two of their planes!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
COLORED
Contributed by Steve S.
This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny.
What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!
When U Black, U Black
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I go in the sun, I stay BLACK,
When I get cold, I am BLACK ,
When I am scared, I am BLACK ,
When I am sick, I am BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks.....
When you're born, you're PINK ,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED ,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN ,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY .
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?
This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny.
What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!
When U Black, U Black
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I go in the sun, I stay BLACK,
When I get cold, I am BLACK ,
When I am scared, I am BLACK ,
When I am sick, I am BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks.....
When you're born, you're PINK ,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED ,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE ,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN ,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY .
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?
Monday, January 16, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
GIGGLES & GRINS - 2
Cont by Scott G
Some are old and some are new, but funny just the same!
NOTE: You may have to click on an image to enlarge it in order to read it.
Some are old and some are new, but funny just the same!
NOTE: You may have to click on an image to enlarge it in order to read it.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
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