A DOGGY CHRISTMAS SURPRISE

A doggy Christmas surprise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo

LITTLE JOHNNY

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

CHRISTMAS STAMPS

OSU

A recent graduate of The Ohio State University moved to Dearborn , Michigan
when she landed a great job with a company located there. After becoming
a citizen of Michigan , she felt almost as if she had betrayed her Ohioan
background and ancestry. She had an apartment with a Michigan address, and
she winced whenever she looked at her Michigan driver's license. When it
came time to register her vehicle she had an idea. She'd get personalized
plates and make things right.

The personalized license plate for her car arrived, and she beamed as she
installed them. She was so proud she sent an instant message to her father
right away. He too was a proud Ohio State alumnus.

'Daddy,' she typed. 'I'm so excited! I got new, personalized plates for my
Mini today. They're University of Michigan plates!'

'WHAT?' he replied, 'You have to be joking!'

'Nope, I'm totally serious. Let me send you the image.'

Her father couldn't stop laughing after he viewed the picture of her car.

OSU BUCKEYE FAN

An Ohio State Buckeye fan is drinking in a bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone.
He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Ohio fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy. Gonna be an Ohio State football player."

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.


Two weeks later, dude returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Ohio State Buckeye baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"


The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Ohio father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,,,,,,

"Had him circumcised."

HAPPY THANKSGIVING !

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING

T'was the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen,
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
this rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!


Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.


There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.


I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !"


He looks all around and with total regret,
says "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life !


He flees from the room in terror and pain ,and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ?
Oh, shit, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell !!


I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.


Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

TURKEY TRIVIA QUIZ

Click on the link below:

http://home.aristotle.net/Thanksgiving/trivia.asp

THE PREGNANT TURKEY

I know there are some hunters reading this one!! So what a horrible trick to play on someone!
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

THE PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few Minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING

GRANDMA'S PIES

THE IMPORTANCE OF WALKING

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks...
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she/he looks good doesn't she/he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I 'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!

CONFUCIUS SAY. . . . .

Confucius Say. . . . .


Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right. War determines who is left.

Wife who puts husband in doghouse will soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day will get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

IT'S A MIRACLE! !

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?


'Flat on his ass, Father, over there by the holy water.'

THE HEN

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."

Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

"I want to return as a hen."

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.

"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," she said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Rob asked.

"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."

Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.

The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

OOOPPPPSSSS

I lost the trivia contest at the church social last night by one point ----

The last question was:... "Where do most women have curly hair?.....

Apparently the correct answer is: Africa........

HORMONE GUIDE

LIFE GUARD WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR

Click on the link Below or cut and paste it into your web browser:


052710_LifeGuardWithASenseOfHumour_GAIL.wmv (1133KB)

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

--- Texas

Daughter: My friends and I want to go out tonight.

Mother : Where are y'all going ?

Daughter: To the cowboy bar on the edge of town.

Mother : I don't think you should. There's been a lot of trouble at that place. I heard there was a fight there last weekend, and several people got hurt.

Daughter: But mom!! Please!! It'll be okay.

Mother: No!! Your life is more important than going out!

Daughter : But Tina' is going with us...

Mother: Oh WELL! In that case, it should be okay. Y'all have fun!

(Scroll Down)

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

This was perhaps one of the best comedy shows of TV and it was a game show…here’s why

FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER



Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes off the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

ROBIN WILLIAMS PORTRAYS THE AMERICAN FLAG

ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC!

But, as usual, Robin Williams has outdone himself.

(click on the link)

Robin Williams portrays the American flag...

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here
are the 2010 Darwin awards.




8th Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.




7th Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.




6th Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.




5th Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long torch he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.




4th Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. He didn't collect because he died.




3rd Place
After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.




HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out of the car window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed




RUNNER-UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they realized that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other end to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.




....AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected pooping knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 'shit happens'




IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL

HAWAIIAN VACATION

Priests on Hawaiian Vacation


They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.


The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.


As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.


These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said


'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,


'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.

BILL BOARDS - 7

BILL BOARDS - 6

BILL BOARDS - 5

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BILL BOARDS - 3

BILL BOARDS - 2

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY! ! !

Just a quick note to tell everyone that today is our ONE YEAR anniversary! ! ! One whole year of putting jokes up everyday! ! ! Now on to year TWO! ! ! ! ! !

BILL BOARDS - 1

BROOM STORY

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

A fter the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?


Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !

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'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'



Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
....little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sounds to me like she's .............been sweeping around!!!