AN OXYMORON LESSON

Contributed by Glen V.


The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is proud to be distributing, this year, the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever, to 46 million people.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because "The animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves."

Thus ends today's lesson!

CLEVER

 

 

 

Where, oh where -- to put Obama's picture.

George Washington, our nation's first president and leader of the American Revolution!

Abe Lincoln, honorable leader who pulled our nation through its darkest time!

Alexander Hamilton, founding father, first Secretary of the Treasury and leader of the constitutional convention!

Andrew Jackson, "Old Hickory" fought the British in New Orleans!

Ulysses Grant, Union army general, led the North through the Civil War!

Ben Franklin, genius inventor, political theorist and leading author of the Constitution.

Finally, we have someone to put on the food stamp!!!

Obama's policies have put more people on welfare than any president before him, so this placement is most appropriate. Unlike the Nobel Peace Prize, for which he did nothing, this is an "honor" he richly deserves.

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

 

We are All Familiar with:

 

 

 

A Heard of Cows

 A Flock of Chickens

A School of Fish

A Gaggle of Geese



However, less likely known are:

 A Pride of Lions

 A Murder of Crows

 (as well as their cousins, the Rooks and Ravens)

 The Exaltation of Doves



And Presumably because they look so wise:

 A Parliament of Owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.

Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not... A Congress!

(Note: I hadn't heard that before, so I looked it up. It is correct)

A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!

That pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington !

You just can't make this stuff up.

LITTLE AKIO

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

 

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, November 6, 2012."

YOU KNOW THE HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN THE COMEDIANS START

Contributed by Barb O

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --Conan O'Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. --David Letterman Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America ! --Jimmy Fallon Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers. --Jimmy Kimmel Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --David Letterman

LEAVING TOWN

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ...
I'll see you on the bus!

NICE PIGS

Contributed by Mike Grathwol

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of

The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:

"Nice pigs, sir.

" The President replied: "These are not pigs.

These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.

I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton,

and I got one for Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said,

"Excellent trade, Sir."

HOW TO YOU TELL A DEMOCRAT FROM A REPUBLICAN

Contributed by Ron B.

How do you tell a Democrat from a Republican …

 

Republicans hire an exterminator to kill their bugs; Democrats step on them….

 

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere; Republicans form censorship committees and read the books in a group…

 

Democrats eat the fish they catch; Republicans hang theirs on the wall…

 

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, even though there is seldom any reason why they should; Democrats ought to but don’t.

BEAVER DAM

Whether this actually happened or not, it's still funny!

This is government bureaucracy stupidity on cruise control

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious.

State of Pennsylvania's letter to Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ
File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2010.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File
No.. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 11/17/09 has been handed to me. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State-unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, nor authorized, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature’s building materials: 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. (Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several dam concerns. My first dam concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the damed stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2010? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice by then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your dam step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,


RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

SITTING IN CHURCH

In church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you. She said,

"Dear LORD, this has been a tough three or four years ...
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze,

my favorite musician Michael Jackson,

my favorite salesman Billy Mays,

my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor,

my favorite singer Whitney Houston,

my favorite announcer Dick Clark and now

my favorite queen of disco Donna Summers.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Amen."

BRITISH NEWSPAPERS SHOW NO MERCY

Contributed by Steve S.

LOOKING FOR WORK

A doctor from France says:
"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments:
"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says:
"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately:
"That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 3 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States , and now.......the whole damn country is looking for work

GREAT COME-BACK

Contributed by Steve S.

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha’s Vineyard. She slipped and fell.
Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered,
- “It was a pleasure to help you. Don’t you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? ”
The elderly woman laughed and replied:
”Naaaaaaa…I fell on my ass … not on my head……

THE GOLD URINAL

Contributed by Nick V The Gold Urinal Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow! That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!" Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

ST. NANCY PELOSI

Contributed by Rosemary M.


Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D.C. , an aide to the former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the
congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday Mass and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.

As promised,-- at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Nancy Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Nancy Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is
also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Nancy Pelosi is a saint!"

POSITIVE OUTLOOK

Contributed by Nick V

How to start each day with a positive outlook and a smile

1. Open a new file in your computer
2. Name it Barack Obama
3. Send it to the recycle bin
4. Empty the recycle bin
5. Your PC will ask you: Do you really want to get rid of Barack Obama?
6. Click Yes
7. Feel better? Good —
8. Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi

SEMPER FI

Contributed by Judy G.

Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of
The White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replied: "These are not pigs. These are
Authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and said:
"Excellent trade, sir."

THE FOURTH MARRIAGE

Contributed by Mary R.

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honey moon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

TEXAS POLICE DO CARE

Contributed by Nick V

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg, TX who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville .

He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 10 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids’, 2 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, Texas police do care.

THE OIL CRISIS

Contributed by Carol I.

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. ~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer. ~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low. ~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~
Our OIL is located in: ~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana ~~~ Coastal Alabama ~~~~ Coastal Mississippi ~~~~
Coastal Texas ~~~
North Dakota
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
~~~ And
Texas

~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
~~~Any Questions?

NO? Didn't think So.