CHINESE SICK LEAVE

Thanks to Rick O. for this contribution

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!'

Hung Low calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Low, I really need you today.. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Low calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon..........

You got Nice house'

SOME POINTS TO PONDER

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards:N A I V E

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK ..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*

12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*

18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

TESTICLE THERAPY

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please
allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

POPE MAKES CHANGES IN MASS

Changes in the Catholic Church

I KNEW IT,

I KNEW IT!

I JUST KNEW THIS WAS COMING....

German-born Pope makes changes....

(scroll down)

NAVY CATCH & RELEASE PROGRAM FOR TERRORISTS

THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS ! ! !
(to view larger images below, click on them)

WHAT A GREAT YEAR 2009 WAS! !

COMPUTER REPAIR

Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.

Customer Service: What is wrong with it?

Caller : Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service: Mouse? Printers don't have a mouse you fool!

Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really?... I will send a picture.


(Scroll down)

PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED

Thanks to Carol I. for this contribution.


1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."


2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."


4. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with...transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.


5. Back in the 1800s the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"


6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying,"We have absolutely nothing to go on."


7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,"The thong is ended but the malady lingers on."


8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."


9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


10. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD - 7

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD - 6

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD - 5

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD - 4

OLE AND SVEN

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics
in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck
in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear you can
drink dat yet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane
hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good
he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO
bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you
feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no
hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun
ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee"

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD - 3

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD - 2

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD - 1

BASKIN ROBBINS NEW ICE CREAM FLAVOR

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: " Barocky Road ."

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you stimulated?

THE DENTIST

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.

The oral surgeon pulls out a syringe filled with Novocain to numb the tooth nerves.

'No way, no needles, I hate needles,' the patient said.

The oral surgeon starts to hook up the nitrous oxide mask and again the patient objects.

'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me.'

The oral surgeon then sets up for sedation and again the patient says, 'Doc, I told you No Needles.'

The oral surgeon then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

'No objection, says the patient, I'm fine with pills'.

The oral surgeon returns with a Viagra tablet.

The patient says, 'Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer'.

'It doesn't', said the oral surgeon, 'but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!'

PLEASE PAY YOUR TAXES

To view image larger, click on it.

"O CRAP! !" 3

And the final, things that make you say, "O #^%@*! ! !"

This is why trampolines are not safe. Who says you can't buy a trampoline for 5 bucks?

"O CRAP! !" 2

More things that make you say, "O #^%@*! ! !"

TALES OF ISLAMIC EXTREMIST MOTHERHOOD

Thanks to Ralph K. for this contribution.

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.

'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'

'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly.

'Oh, gracious me . . . , ' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers.

'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.'

He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

'They blow up so fast, don't they?

"O CRAP! !" 1

Things that make you say, "O #^%@*! ! !"

KITE FLYING

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.

FRED

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson.
I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

YAMAHA RECALL

This just out.............
NEW YORK ( A P): Yamaha has recalled 20,000 pianos due to a problem with the pedal sticking. This causes pianists to play faster than they normally would, resulting in a dangerous number of accidentals. The sticky pedal also makes it harder for pianists to come to a full stop at the end of a piece, making it extremely risky for audiences.