WILL ROGERS ON GROWING OLD

Contributed by Nick V.


First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying
about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it's such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,
you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

THE CHURCH ORGANIST

Contributed by Rick O.

NOTE:  To see the image larger, click on it.

SAYINGS BY WILL ROGERS

Contributed by Nick V

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the
greatest political sages this country has ever known.

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence
and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

CRAIG'S LIST AD

Contributed by Nick V

I don't know if this is an actual Craig's List ad but it made me grin.

Craig's list ad--Read it closely folks... a good one.

 

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2011-11-27, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

EAVESDROPPING

Contributed by Rick O.

The next time you're bored and have nothing better to do, go to a pubic place, get out your cell phone, don't turn it on, but speak into it like the guy in this video.

http://media.mtvnservices.com/player/prime/mediaplayerprime.1.8.1.swf?uri=mgid:cms:mvideo:cmt.com:40319&type=normal&ref=us.mc1622.mail.yahoo.com&geo=US&group=music&&CONFIG_URL=http%3a%2f%2fmedia.mtvnservices.com%2fpmt%2fe1%2fplayers%2fmgid%3acms%3amvideo%3acmt.com%3a%2fconfig.xml%3furi%3dmgid%3acms%3amvideo%3acmt.com%3a40319%26type%3dnormal%26ref%3dus.mc1622.mail.yahoo.com%26geo%3dUS%26group%3dmusic%26

A MIRACLE IN THE ALCOHOL AISLE

Contributed by Scott G

Wow I guess she needs the power of the spirits.

 

 

 

JESUS & SATAN USING A COMPUTER

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering..

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES..

THE GREAT CHALKMAN IS AT IT AGAIN - 7

Contributed by Nick V.
Amazing stuff! !

THE GREAT CHALKMAN IS AT IT AGAIN - 6

Contributed by Nick V.
Amazing stuff! !

THE GREAT CHALKMAN IS AT IT AGAIN - 5

Contributed by Nick V.
Amazing stuff! !

THE GREAT CHALKMAN IS AT IT AGAIN - 4

Contributed by Nick V.
Amazing stuff! !

THE GREAT CHALKMAN IS AT IT AGAIN - 3

Contributed by Nick V.
Amazing stuff! !

THE GREAT CHALKMAN IS AT IT AGAIN - 2

Contributed by Nick V.
Amazing stuff! !

THE GREAT CHALKMAN IS AT IT AGAIN - 1

Contributed by Nick V.
Amazing stuff! !

SAVE THE TREES

Contributed by Mary CR

Look what happens when we cut down too many trees - this is terrible!

Global warming is one thing, but scroll down and look at what

might happen if we continue to clear our forests!


We have to stop cutting down trees! This is getting serious!

MEMORY SPOOF

Contributed by Mary CR

Click here: Memory-a spoof by Pam Peterson - YouTube

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=HzSaoN2LdfU

THE SENSATIVE MAN

Contributed by Mickey L.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.. They get back to his place, And as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, With hundreds and hundreds of cute, Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed In rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken Quite some time to lovingly arrange them And she was immediately touched By the amount of thought he had Put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along The bottom shelf, Medium-sized bears covering the Length of the middle shelf, And huge, enormous bears running All the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an Obviously masculine guy To have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his Sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and Continue talking and, After awhile, she finds herself Thinking, Maybe, this guy Could be the one! Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him Lightly on the lips He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, And he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom Where they rip off each other's Clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she Responds with more passion, More creativity, more heat than she Has ever known. After an intense, explosive night Of raw passion with this sensitive guy, They are lying there together in The afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently Strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, Strokes her cheek, Looks deeply into her eyes, And says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

MY ROAD TO ALCOHOLISM

Contributed by Nick V

Life is not fair at all! My Road to Alcoholism... J

I used to be like this...

Then I met a girl...

She was like this...

Together, we were like this...

I gave her gifts like this...

When she accepted my love, I was like this...

I used to talk to her all night like this...

And at work the next day I used to do this...

When my friends saw my girlfriend, they stared like this...

And I used to react like this...

But she started running around, like this...

And she was like this…

And I was like this…

Which later led to this..

and this...

I felt like doing this... but she wasn't worth it

So I started doing this...

NOW look at me…

DAM GIRLS!