A BLONDE GUY JOKE

Contributed by Carol I.

 

 

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20^th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

 

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

 

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.

 

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

 

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

 

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

 

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

PASSWORD

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
the following password:



MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy



When asked why such a big password, she said "Well duuhhhh, it had to
be at least 8 characters long".

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.  

She'd seen many books on the subject, 

and finally getting all the necessary tools together, 

she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, 

she  started to make a circular

cut in the ice.  

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved
further down the ice, 

poured a thermos of cappuccino, 

and began to cut yet another hole. 

Again from the  heavens the

voice bellowed,

"THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now  worried,
moved away, 

clear down to the opposite end of  the ice. 

She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, 

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,  

"NO, 

THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

THE MILK BATH

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my chest. I can splash it on my eyes."

THE BLONDE AND THE VENTRILOQUIST

The blonde and the ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Delaware . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

FLAT TIRE

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I ease my car over to  the shoulder of the road, carefully, get out of the car and open the  trunk. I took

out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the  rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life like you  wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats exposing their
 nude bodies  to the approaching drivers. To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my life like men.
 

And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of his car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?' 

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'  

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

BLONDE AT A FOOTBALL GAME

A man just took his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the games was over, he asked her if she liked the game. "Oh yes," she replied. "It was great, but there's one thing I don't understand." "What do you not understand?" "Well, at the beginning of the game, each team flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. During the game, everyone kept shouting "get the quarterback, get the quarterback, get the quarterback!" So I thought to myself, "God, it's just a quarter!"

CORN MAZE FOR BLONDES

Note: Click on image to enlarge it.

BLONDE GUY JOKE

 An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.”

 The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos! one more time I'm going to jump off, too.”

The blond guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.”

 The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.. She said, “If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, “Don't look at me. He always made his own lunch!”

DYNAMITE

A body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

"What a Great Chest you have!"


He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!"


The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."


He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.


The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
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The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Contributed by Nick V

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

BLONDE PILOT

Contributed by Nick V

A blonde is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and dies.  She frantically picks up the microphone and radios, "May Day! May Day ! Help me ! Help me ! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me ! Please help me !"  All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is the Tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just Relax. Everything will be fine ! Now give me your height and position."  She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who Art in Heaven . . ."

THE VENTRILOQUIST

Contributed by Nick V


 
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others
think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general pathetically all in the name of humour!"


The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap."

THE LAWYER AND THE BLONDE

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.


She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that... he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.


Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.






Two lessons here:


1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.


2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

SEVEN DEGREES OF BEING BLONDE

FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'




SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'




THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'




FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'




FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A: 'Is it mine?'




SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'



SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

SHE WAS SO BLONDE. . . . .

She was so blonde. . .

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.

She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'

She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.

If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

She studied for a blood test... and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.

She sold the car for gas money.

THE MAGIC MIRROR

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

QUESTION

Q: What do you call an eternity?

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW

JANUARY
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

FEBRUARY
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...Helllloooo!!!....bottles won't fit in printer!!!

MARCH
Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...Box said ' 2-4 years!'

APRIL
Trapped on escalator for hours…Power went out!!!

MAY
Tried to make Kool-Aid...wrong instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

JUNE
Tried to go water skiing...Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

JULY
Lost breast stroke swimming competition...Learned later that the other swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

AUGUST
Got locked out of my car in rain storm...Darn car filled up with water because convertible top was open.

SEPTEMBER
The capital of California is 'C'...isn't it???

OCTOBER
Hate M & M's...They are so hard to peel.

NOVEMBER
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days…Instructions said bake 1 hour per pound; I weigh 108!!

DECEMBER
Couldn't call 911… 'Duh'...there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!