MISTLETOE

CHRISTMAS CAKE

You'll need the following:

1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky

Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. A dd one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still OK.

Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. A dd one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.

A CHRISTMAS STORY

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has A IDS.
A nd just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

A nd the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
A ssembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

THE RED WAGON

It was the day AFTER Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor  of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle.

He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Son, where did you get that little baby Jesus that's in your wagon?"

The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."

"And why did you take him?"asked the pastor.

The little boy replied, "Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.

ANGELS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.

-Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it

-Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.

-Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.

-Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.

-Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!

-Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.

-Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.

-Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.

-Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.

-Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.

-Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.

- , 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.

-Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.

-Sarah, 7

I SAID THE . . . .

CHRISTMAS CAROL PARROT

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.

Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then the parrot's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with the talented parrot under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under the bird's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to the parrot's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. The bird twisted his face, cleared his throat,

and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:

 

"Chet's Nuts roasting on an an open fire"

I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS

LITTLE TIMMY

HOLIDAY TIP # 37

SANTA'S FLAT

JOB EVALUATION DAY

DIGITAL STORY OF THE NATIVITY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkHNNPM7pJA

REINDEER

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME …

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single reindeer, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known…...

ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

NO NATIVITY SCENE IN WASHINGTON DC

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

 

I LOVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS!!!

They remind me so much of POLITICANS.
They all hang together,
Half of them don't work,
AND
The ones that do...aren't that bright.

CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations.

The good news is that I truly outdid myself this year. The bad news is that I had to take them down after only two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). She was one of many people who attempted to do that.

My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.

I think I made him too real this time. But it was fun while it lasted. ;)

 

 

 

SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW YOUR CHRISTMAS CAROLS?

This 25-question quiz tests your knowledge of the lyrics of some our most
famous winter holiday songs.

After the quiz, see our reader-submitted Scared of Santa photo gallery.

The complete article can be viewed at:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/custom/offbeat/carolquiz,0,4294580.triviaquiz

FRUITCAKE

ANTI-SANTA ARCHITECTURE

(Click on image to enlarge it to read the print)