HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines..

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter"

PERILS OF A CATHOLIC UPBRINGING

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling my old pastor, Father Mike , who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person ' s condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"

So I did.

I won ' t be at Mass this week.

BUSH, QUEEN ELIZABETH, AND PUTIN

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

GEOGRAPHY OF MEN AND WOMEN

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!


Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade,especially for someone of real value.


Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.


Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.


Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes Tibet . Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.




THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.



THE END.

PRESIDENTS IN ART

To see image larger, click on it,


So I said to him, "Barak, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't him."

The past Republican presidents having a laugh in honor of a recent speech from the messiah.




The original artwork is copyright by Andy Thomas, who has paintings of all political persuasions, including the messiah.

DR SEUSS ON OLD AGE

To see image larger, click on it.

TIGER'S NEW LOOK

FROZEN CARBURETOR

In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room.. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.


For example:

On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in Northern British Columbia an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.


"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ...."

TOUGH LOVE VS SPANKING: A GOOD ARGUMENT

Most people think it improper to spank children, so I have tried
other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those
moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a
car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time
away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod,
etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after
our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in
case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,
Your Friend













This works with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

POTATO PROSTITUTE

Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

You're gonna love it. . . . . .




It's the one with the little sticker that says...









I - DA - HO

WALLY'S WEDDING NIGHT

At 78 years of age, Wally married Suzie, a lovely 25 year old.


Since her new husband is so old, Suzie decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.


After the wedding festivities Suzie prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 78 year old groom, ready for action..


They unite as one.


All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.


After a few minutes, Suzie hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally.


Again he is ready for more 'action.'


Somewhat surprised, Suzie consents for more coupling...


When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.


She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it....... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.'


And, once again they enjoy each other.


But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.'


Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Suzie and says,


'You mean I was here already?'


The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have advantages.

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

What Is Butt Dust??
What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!


JACK (age 3)
Was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?


MELANIE (age 5)
Asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.


STEVEN (age 3)
Hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that
when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'


BRITTANY (age 4)
Had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to
take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom
explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's
me?'


SUSAN (age 4)
Was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'**


DJ (age 4)
Stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'


CLINTON (age 5)
was in his bedroom looking worried When his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'*


MARC (age 4)
was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and
kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'*


TAMMY(age 4)
was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather
wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'*


JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'*




The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget

This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice,
'Mom, what is butt dust?' *

ANIMAL REVENGE

AIRLINE ANNOUNCEMENTS

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!'
************************

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'
************************

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.'
****************************

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'


******************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA !'
******************************

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

************** *************** *

Another flight attendant 's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

******************************

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

******************************

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

*********** *******************

' A s you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

********* ********************

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

*****************************

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
**************** *************

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

******************** *********

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

****************************

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach, Jay Johnson, yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

URGENT WARNING

URGENT WARNING..........


ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON
MONDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL
GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.


YOU WILL BE SAFE, BUT I'M JUST EMAILING
YOU TO SAY GOODBYE.

COLONOSCOPY JOURNAL

By Dave Barry

If you don't laugh at this, you've never had a colonoscopy. Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.

I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 ounces). Then you have to drink the whole jug.

This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.


There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA . I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.



ABOUT THE WRITER

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
Herald.

WEDDING RING EXCHANGE FAIL

We wonder if the best man was fired.



http://www.liquidgeneration.com/Media/Videos/Viral_Videos/Other_Videos/Wedding_Ring_Exchange_Fail/

If the link does not work, then cut and paste it into your web browser.

WHY BOYS NEED PARENTS

This is for those mother's of boys, sisters of boys, and boys that have grown older. A nd anyone else who needs a laugh.
Why boys need parents...
(To see any image larger, click on it)

THINGS MEN NOTICED WHEN THEY ARE OVER 60

Well, I certainly hope we don't get like this....

For a larger image, click on the image.

Contributed by Rick O.

SNOWMEN BEING ROBBED AT HAIR DRYER POINT

For a larger image, click on the image.

SNOW SEX

For a larger image, click on the image.

HOW ICE CREAM CONES ARE MADE

For a larger image, click on the image.

YUCK! ! !

For a larger image, click on the image.

YIKES! !

For a larger image, click on the image.

CIGARS AND SNOWMEN

For a larger image, click on the image.

THOSE ARE FAKE! !

For larger image, click on the image.

FROSTY'S NOSE

For a larger image, click on the image.

CORN MAZE FOR BLONDES

MATCH THE DOGS

When you go to this site, click on the dogs and match them up and see what happens.

Merry Christmas and enjoy!!!!


Match the dogs

SANTA HAS A BIG PROBLEM

WHITE CHRISTMAS (OR NEW YEARS)