PICTURES TO MAKE YOU SMILE - 5

Contributed by Mike G.

PICTURES TO MAKE YOU SMILE - 4

Contributed by Mike G.

PICTURES TO MAKE YOU SMILE - 3

Contributed by Mike G.

PICTURES TO MAKE YOU SMILE - 2

Contributed by Mike G.

PICTURES TO MAKE YOU SMILE - 1

Contributed by Mike G.

 

 

 

 

 

IN HER SUNDAY BEST

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' 

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!' 

CARE GIVERS DINNER

  This is a funny one. Listen to the 7:30 video in its entirety.  It is a great video.

A sweet old lady is asked to say Grace at a gathering of "Seniors at Home" caregivers, and she brought down the house about 90 seconds into her prayer. Enjoy! http://stg.do/9i0c

CLEVER

 

 

 

Where, oh where -- to put Obama's picture.

George Washington, our nation's first president and leader of the American Revolution!

Abe Lincoln, honorable leader who pulled our nation through its darkest time!

Alexander Hamilton, founding father, first Secretary of the Treasury and leader of the constitutional convention!

Andrew Jackson, "Old Hickory" fought the British in New Orleans!

Ulysses Grant, Union army general, led the North through the Civil War!

Ben Franklin, genius inventor, political theorist and leading author of the Constitution.

Finally, we have someone to put on the food stamp!!!

Obama's policies have put more people on welfare than any president before him, so this placement is most appropriate. Unlike the Nobel Peace Prize, for which he did nothing, this is an "honor" he richly deserves.

AAADD

Contributed by Mary CR AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! 

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, 
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox 
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first..

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to 
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
there's a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
there's still only 1 check in my check book, 
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys. 
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

Don't laugh...if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

 

PSYCHIATRISTS VS. BARTENDERS

Contributed by Eileen M.

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

IS THERE A PROBLEM OFFICER?

Contributed by Julie C.


A woman is pulled over by a police officer when the following discussion takes place:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.
...
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

WATCH YOUR STEP

WHY DOES THE BRIDE WEAR WHITE?

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' 

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' 

The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' 

SENIOR TEXTING CODES

Contributed by Rick O.


Young people have theirs,  now seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

* GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in
 

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

 

We are All Familiar with:

 

 

 

A Heard of Cows

 A Flock of Chickens

A School of Fish

A Gaggle of Geese



However, less likely known are:

 A Pride of Lions

 A Murder of Crows

 (as well as their cousins, the Rooks and Ravens)

 The Exaltation of Doves



And Presumably because they look so wise:

 A Parliament of Owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.

Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?

Believe it or not... A Congress!

(Note: I hadn't heard that before, so I looked it up. It is correct)

A CONGRESS OF BABOONS!

That pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington !

You just can't make this stuff up.

CUTE DESTRESSORS-4

CUTE DESTRESSORS - 3