BOUNCE

OMG! !

YOU KNOW THE HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN THE COMEDIANS START

Contributed by Barb O

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --Conan O'Brien Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. --David Letterman Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America ! --Jimmy Fallon Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? A: Bo has papers. --Jimmy Kimmel Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --David Letterman

I WISH I WEREN'T AN OLD MAN

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.  

She'd seen many books on the subject, 

and finally getting all the necessary tools together, 

she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, 

she  started to make a circular

cut in the ice.  

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved
further down the ice, 

poured a thermos of cappuccino, 

and began to cut yet another hole. 

Again from the  heavens the

voice bellowed,

"THERE  ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now  worried,
moved away, 

clear down to the opposite end of  the ice. 

She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, 

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,  

"NO, 

THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

IT'S HUMING

DOGS - 7

DOGS - 6

DOGS - 5

DOGS - 3

DOGS-3

DOGS-2

DOGS-1

FREEZING PAWS

INSPIRATIONS FOR YOUR VALENTINES DAY CARD

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line for a valentine:
Love may be beautiful, love may be blissbut I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I see your face when I am dreamingThat's why I always wake up screaming

Kind, intelligent, loving and hotThis describes everything you are not

I thought that I could love no otherUntil, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with graceIf only you could hide your face
I want to feel your sweet embraceBut don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:Marrying you has screwed up my life

My love you take my breath awayWhat have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tellExcept for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?Two parts vodka, one part lime.

VALENTINE'S DAY

Ed forgot to get his wife something for Valentine's Day....

So his wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow afternoon, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. A round 2:30 that afternoon his wife looked out the window and sure enough, there was a wrapped gift box in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she quickly ran out to the driveway, picked up the box and brought it into house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

VALENTINE DAY PUPPY

A PUPPY has been born in Japan with a large,

clear, love-heart-shaped pattern in his coat.

The Chihuahua was born in May as one of a litter to a breeder.

Shop owner Emiko Sakurada said it was the first time a

puppy with the marks had been born out of a thousand she had bred .

She had no plans to sell the puppy, which has been named 'Heart-kun'.

The long-coated male Chihuahua puppy was born in Odate,northern Japan

FOR MY DARLING

NO, I WON'T BE YOUR VALENTINE

TIL DEATH DO US PART

ROSES ARE RED

SILENT TREATMENT

DEFINITION OF OLD

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI EXPLAINS THE AFTERLIFE

Contributed by Pam R.


If you are Catholic, you will laugh out loud. If you are not

Catholic, you will laugh even louder!

http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=241391

NEW SEATBELT DESIGN

HELP! !

THE MILK BATH

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my chest. I can splash it on my eyes."