ABE & ESTHER

Contributed by Rick O

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

 

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency

landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and

we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we

may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,

"Esther, did we pay our $5,000 Public Broadcast Station pledge check yet?"

 

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

 

"One last thing Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

 

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

 

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

 

 

 

 

A DOG NAMED DOG

Contributed by Carol I.

He traded a beer for the dog! He got the better end of that deal by far!

Click on this very cool dog!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=xdj67XknFrM#t=5

THIS LADY . . .

Contributed by Rick O.

.......This lady threatened to bomb my home!! All I said to her was "you've got three cute kids"!!!

SENIOR MOMENTS

Contributed by Carol I.

Click on the link:   http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0

LOOKING FOR WORK

A doctor from France says:
"In France , the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments:
"That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says:
"That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately:
"That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 3 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States , and now.......the whole damn country is looking for work

THE TWENTY AND THE ONE

Contributed by Nick V


A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar
bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church ,
the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

OBSERVATIONS ON GROWING OLDER

Contributed by Nick V.

~Your Kids are becoming you...and you don't like them...but your grandchildren are Perfect! (no kidding!)

~Going Out is good... Coming Home is better!
~You Forget names ... But it's OK because other people forget they even Knew you!!!
~You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... Especially Golf. So True!

~Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's Called "Pre-sleep."

~You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" Switch...
~You tend to use more 4 letter words ... "what?" ... "when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~You notice everything sold in stores is "sleeveless" !!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody Whispers !!!

~Now that your husband has retired .... You'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ... 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!!

AUTO CORRECT

MAXINE QUOTES

1)              Never go to bed angry.  Stay up and plot your revenge

2)              Don’t believe everything you think

3)              Well aren’t you just the most adorable black hole of need.

4)              I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

5)              Don’t make me use uppercase!

6)              If you have something to say, raise your hand and place it over your mouth.

7)              You’re not yourself today.  I noticed the improvement immediately!

8)              I’m busy now; can I ignore you some other time?

9)              Don’t let your mind wander; it’s too small to be let out on its own.

10)         I’d like to help you out….which way did you come in?

11)         There’s no vaccine against stupidity!

12)         Life is too short to dance with ugly men.

HOW TO DEAL WITH TELEMARKETERS

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

 3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

5. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?"

7. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

 Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."

 You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

 Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

BUMPER STICKERS

 1.  Jesus loves you…but everyone else thinks you are an ass

2.  Impotence…Nature’s way to say “No hard feelings”

3.  The proctologist called…they found your head

4.  Everyone has a photographic memory…some just don’t have any film

5.  Save your breath…you’ll need it to blow up your date

6.  Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted

7.  I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off

8.  WANTED:  Meaningful overnight relationship

9.  Guys…just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one

10.  Some people just don’t know how to drive…I call these people “Everybody But Me”

11.  Heart Attacks…God’s revenge for eating His animal friends

12.  Don’t like my driving?  Then quit watching me

13.  If you can read this…I can slam on my brakes and sue you

14.  Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

15.  Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself

16.  HANG UP AND DRIVE!!!!!

17.  Welcome to America…now speak English

COCONUT

THE BEST WAY TO PRAY

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for
prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my
hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer
position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he
interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin'
upside down from a telephone pole."

HUMAN LOGIC

PANCAKES

THE SHAME OF IT ALL

THE SHAME OF IT ALL...

BEING POOR...

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school ..
She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks,
...

"How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" she answers!

“Sissy from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.“

Her mother answers laughingly
“But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No...but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves."

See More

THE CUP

NOTE:  To enlarge image, click on it.

TALKING DOG

Contributed by Julie C.

A guy is driving around Oklahoma and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a damn liar. He never did any of that stuff."

MADGE

NOTE:  To enlarge image, click on it.

SHOW AND TELL

Contributed by Nick V


A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.
Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented
their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is
Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is
Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

OCEAN JOKE

NOTE:  To enlarge image, click on it.

CHICKEN

NOTE: To enlarge image, click on it

GARFIELD

NOTE:  To enlarge image, click on it.

GREAT COME-BACK

Contributed by Steve S.

An elderly lady was walking on the golf course on the island of Martha’s Vineyard. She slipped and fell.
Obama who was behind her by chance, helped her to get up promptly. She thanked him and he answered,
- “It was a pleasure to help you. Don’t you recognize me? I am your president. Are you going to vote for me in the next election? ”
The elderly woman laughed and replied:
”Naaaaaaa…I fell on my ass … not on my head……

SPACE PARTY

CREPE

THE USHER

Contributed by Nick V.

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is
really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered.

THE GOLD URINAL

Contributed by Nick V The Gold Urinal Before Obama was elected President he went to see Bill and Hillary for some campaign advice, at their spacious home. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a solid gold urinal! Wow! That afternoon, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal. "Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't have something so self-indulgent!" Later, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed Obama had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, Bill had a gold urinal. That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

WEDDINGS

THOUGHTS

SWAT