HERE NOW, CHEER UP! !

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree... 25 to life would be appropriate. -- Jay Leno

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. -- Jay Leno

Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. -- Conan O'Brien

What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon? A fund raiser. -- Jay Leno

What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. -- David Letterman

If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? America ! -- Jimmy Fallon

What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo? Bo has papers. -- Jimmy Kimmel

What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program? It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --David Letterman

FUNNY CARTOONS - 2

FUNNY CARTOONS - 1

AUNT MILDRED

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An Atheist in the Woods...

An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees'! 'What powerful rivers'! 'What beautiful animals'! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.




He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.



At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw , brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

MORE WALMARTYRS - 4

I always do a little shopping right after I emerge from my Incredible Hulk form.

To Infinity and beyond!!

I agree, the Georgia Bulldogs do kick ass!

Just Run!!!!

Now you know why no matter where you go in the store, it always seems to smell like sh*t…

MORE WALMARTYRS - 3

This woman will ghoul out if you take all the deer jerky for yourself and leave none

I don’t know if its his shirt or his 12 year olds mustache that creeps me out more?

Oh you so totally are!

What exactly does it mean to “chunk someone”…..exactly?

Yeah no….. let’s not

MORE WALMARTYRS - 2

Yeah I don’t even know what to say to this…..

Who needs a shopping cart when you are White T-Shirt man!

Those shorts look angry to me!

She was later arrested when they found her drinking out of the toilet

Practicing for the Bob Sled team

MORE WALMARTYRS - 1

Check out these lovely people.

Ok, these were new to me. Please try to control yourself as you go through these.

More Wal*Martyrs:

Walmart Thug Life

That actually is not sunlight… it’s the beams of light coming off rainbow man

I’ll bet this ladies hair smells really good

Why are Jorts so popular in the south?

Reach in and claim your Crack-er Jack Prize!

TRIP TO COSCO

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

COSTCO won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say.

WE WILL NEVER SEE ADS LIKE THESE AGAIN - 4

WE WILL NEVER SEE ADS LIKE THESE AGAIN - 3

WE WILL NEVER SEE ADS LIKE THESE AGAIN - 2

WE WILL NEVER SEE ADS LIKE THESE AGAIN - 1