CUTE DESTRESSORS - 2

CUTE DESTRESSORS - 1

 

 

 

 

FAVORITE MOTHER'S DAY STORY

So, we had this 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died.  Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him.  He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

 

Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4, 3, and 1 years old.  The middle one is Eli.  Eli really loves chapstick - LOVES IT.  He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it.  So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

 

A few years ago on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on.  My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box.  I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.  Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

 

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli.  I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom; and there was Eli.  He was applying my chapsitck very carefully to Jack's......rear end.  Eli looked right into my eyes and said, "chapped."  Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -- their little butts do look pretty chapped.  A nd, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

 

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

 

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

"F" FOR T-REX

TRUE LOVE

Contributed by Phyllis M.

 

A Woman goes to the Local Newspaper Office to see that the Obituary for her recently Deceased Husband is published.

The Obit Editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.  She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the Woman 's thrift, the Editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all Obituaries.  She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read,

"Fred Brown Died.... GOLF CLUBS FOR SALE." 

TRUE LOVE

THE OLD GERMAN SHEPHERD

Contributed by Mike G.

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch
The old German Shepherd thinks,

"Oh, oh! I'm in deep s*** now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old

 

German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks,

"What am I going to do now?" ...but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says ...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story ...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

2 DOGS DINING

Contributed by Mike G

  This has been around before, but it’s so amusing that I decided to forward it again.  

There is a very brief AIG commercial in front of it.

THIS HAS GOT TO BE A CLASSIC........................ This is so cleverly done, I didn't know which dog to watch!!! Click below.... TWO DOGS DINING   http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=EVwlMVYqMu4&vq=medium#t=125

BALL GAME

This is a detective story ...













So Pay Close  Attention!!!

 
 Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball  game.  They smuggle a bottle of  Jack Daniel's into the ball park..
.
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely... mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft  drinks..
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game  has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what  inning is it
and how many players are on  base?

Think!

 















 Think some  more!!

 

 

 

Come on now..... Think!

This is tooo funny !!

 

 

You're gonna love  it ...

 

 

 

 

 

  Answer:


 It's the bottom of the
fifth
and the bags are loaded!


 

CARTOON FOR SENIORS

(click on image to enlarge it)

A MIRACLE! !

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?


'Flat on his ass, Father, over there by the holy water.'

MY FAVORITE ANIMAL

Contributed by Mike G.

 

 

 

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

 

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

 

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

 

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. 

 

He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.

 

She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office.

 

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

 

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

 

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now... yep, the principal's office... sigh!

 

IT STARTS SO EARLY IN LIFE

SEX MANIAC

(Click on image to enlarge it)

 

 

 

OVER DOSE VICTIMS - 3

Contributed by Mike G.

OVERDOSE VICTIMS - 2

Contributed by Mike G.

OVERDOSE VICTIMS - 1

Contributed by Mike G.

BIBLE SALES

 A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles.  While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

A FRIEND NEEDS HELP

Contributed by Mike G.

 

I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help !!!! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills. Anyway, now he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him ????

FUN PLACES TO GO

Contributed by Mike G

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

 

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

 

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

 

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

 

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

 

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

 

PLEASE DO YOUR PART! Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.

You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.

 

My job is done!

 

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

Remembering your age so I have sent this in large print.

MORE FUNNY PICS - 4

Contributed by Mike G.