CARTOONS - 3

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CARTOONS - 1

AIR CRASH INTO 4 BUILDINGS

Contributed by Carol I.

Air Show Disaster

Amazing photos show great detail. The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings.



One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

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THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

Cont. by Steve S.

Think about this...


1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE

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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)

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3. OK ..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

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5. There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

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9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

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10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
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16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

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17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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22. If a cow laughed, would she snort milk out of her nose?

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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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24. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

JESSIE THE DOG

Your gonna love this little guy!!! Just click below on the link


http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=P9Fyey4D5hg

THE AFGHAN QUARTERBACK

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.


Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit !"

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

Contributed by Julie C.



1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ..

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

A HARMONICA IN CARNEGIE HALL

Cont. by Carol I.

Listen to this guy all the way to the end. He just gets better and better.

This guy is awesome! He received a standing ovation at Carnegie Hall playing a harmonica! It took the Lone Ranger to bring them to their feet.

http://www.wimp.com/harmonicacarnegie/

SPLINTERS IN HER CROTCH

Cont. by Rick O.

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility.  I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare they turned me down."

SHE WAS SO BLONDE. . . . .

She was so blonde. . .

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.

She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

She tried to drown a fish.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'

She tripped over a cordless phone.

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'

She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.

If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

She studied for a blood test... and failed.

She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.

She sold the car for gas money.

KIDS AND RELIGION

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the silence, "I think I'd throw up."



DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"



THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was very nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."



UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon.

One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.



BEING THANKFUL
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"




ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelly, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelly would say,"And all girls." This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.

My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelly, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody else always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men!"



SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to
cook."

COOL PICS - 3

COOL PICS - 2

COOL PICS - 1

THE MAGIC MIRROR

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?"

"A rectum stretcher?"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well" she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

IMPORTANT HEALTH WARNING

NOW THAT'S AN EASTER BUNNY! !

He weighs in at 22 pounds and measures a little over 3 feet. he is a breed of rabbit called german giant (how appropriate!). this is his owner, Hans Wagner, struggling to hold him up. from the NY Post article:

We don't feed him an unusual diet said Wagner. He goes through more than his brothers and sisters, but he eats the same food mix. His favorite food is actually lettuce. He can never get enough of it.

LOOK A T THOSE FEET!

HAPPY EASTER - 2