LOST WOMAN

Contributed by Nick V.

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me I suppose is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

DO YOU TWEET?

Contributed by Nick V.


When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grand kids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping everythree minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."

Senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The tv remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

3 NAVY SHIPS

3 New Navy Ships:
USS REAGAN

Seeing it next to the Arizona Memorial really puts its size into perspective... ENORMOUS!

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4.5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.

Capability

Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling

1. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years

2. Carries over 80 combat aircraft

3. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

Size

1. Towers 20 stories above the waterline

2. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall

3. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres

4. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds

5. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons

6. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet

Capacity

1. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel

2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days

3. 18,150 meals served daily

4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes

5. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones

6. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets




            USS BILL CLINTON

The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC

The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order, there are no firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada.




               USS BARACK OBAMA

Details are vague.

But don't you worry..........he has a plan

HIGH URINALS

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

THE CHALK GUY - 4

Contributed by Judy G.
While these pictures aren't jokes, they will at least put a smile on your face.

These are so good, it's hard to believe he does these on a flat sidewalk. This guy continues to amaze people with his sidewalk 3D chalk drawings.

THE CHALK GUY - 3

Contributed by Judy G.


While these pictures aren't jokes, they will at least put a smile on your face.

These are so good, it's hard to believe he does these on a flat sidewalk. This guy continues to amaze people with his sidewalk 3D chalk drawings.

THE CHALK GUY - 2

Contributed by Judy G.


While these pictures aren't jokes, they will at least put a smile on your face.

These are so good, it's hard to believe he does these on a flat sidewalk. This guy continues to amaze people with his sidewalk 3D chalk drawings.

THE CHALK GUY - 1

Contributed by Judy G.

While these pictures aren't jokes, they will at least put a smile on your face.

These are so good, it's hard to believe he does these on a flat sidewalk. This guy continues to amaze people with his sidewalk 3D chalk drawings.

LABOR PAIN TRANSFER MACHINE

Contributed by Shannon M.

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they arrived home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

THE PASTORS RAISE

Contributed by Shannon M.

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."



The entire congregation said, "Amen".

AIDS WARNING ! !

Contributed by Nick V.


To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!



HEARING AIDS


BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL ,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!




Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)

NO NURSING HOME FOR ME! !

Contributed by Nick V.



No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!



With the average cost for a nursing home care costing $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.


I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.


For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.


Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.


That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.


Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.


Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.


$5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.



They treat you like a customer, not a patient.


There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.


The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).


To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.



For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.



While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.


It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.


And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.


Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too.


TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker.



If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.


And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.



The grandkids can use the pool.



What more could I ask for?


So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.

WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS INSTEAD OF WIVES

Cont. by Nick V

1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
 

4. A dog's parents never visit.

 

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

 

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

 

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

 

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

 

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 
To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

LIFESAVERS

Contributed by Carol I.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:





Red.....................Cherry


Yellow................Lemon


Green.................Lime


Orange ...............Orange






Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.


None of the children could identify the taste.


The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your Mother


may sometimes call your father."


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,


"Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"


The teacher had to leave the room.

RONALD REAGAN JOKE

Contributed by Carol I.

I don't care what your political affiliation is, this is just good humor.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK3Eo9cScEQ&feature=share

PHOTO OF TEAM THAT GOT BIN-LADEN

Contributed by Judy G.


The Team that Got Bin Laden (if you heard the "I" speech).

POLISH STRING QUARTET

Contributed by Alice W.



I'm not sure what Mozart or Chopin would think of these Polish
musicians, but they are obviously talented and don't take themselves too seriously.


click here: http://www.mozartgroup.org/video.htm 

ONLY IN PERRY COUNTY

Contributed by Carol I.

This is at the pull off near SR 274 and Glutz Hole Rd. The deer was hit there. The couch was dumped there previously. Day two the deer was on the couch, day three the end table and lamp showed up. Day four the TV and TV stand arrived. The Trooper had to call PENN DOT and wait because of all the people stopping to take pictures.

THE QUESTION IS. . . . SHIT OR SHOOT?

Contributed by Carol I.

You need to establish your priorities...



Some things are just more important.

SHOOT! SHOOT!!!



You can always shit later.

ONLY A FARM KID

Contributed by Nick V.

When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.....

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door.



A boy, about 9, opened the door


"Is your Dad home?"


"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."


"Well, is your Mother here?"


"No sir, she went to town with Dad."


"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"


"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."



The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.


"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."


"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'


The boy thought for a moment.



"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."