MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS - 1

WEST VIRGINIA FARM KID IN THE MARINES

Contributed by Carol I.
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING )

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS

It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op.

The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a "stimulus package" works.

BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY

A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof!

WORSE THINGS THAN OIL ON A BEACH - 3

WORSE THINGS THAN OIL ON A BEACH - 2

WORSE THINGS THAN OIL ON A BEACH - 1

SANITATION TRUCKS - 2

SANITATION TRUCKS - 1

NEW MUSIC TERMS & DEFINITIONS

ALLREGRETTO: When you're 16 measures into the piece
and realize you took too fast a tempo.

ANGUS DEI: To play with a divinely beefy tone.

A PATELLA: Accompanied by knee-slapping.

APPOLOGGIATURA: A composition that you regret playing.

APPROXIMATURA: A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an "I meant to do that" attitude.

APPROXIMENTO: A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch.

CACOPHANY: A composition incorporating many people with chest colds.

CORAL SYMPHONY: A large, multi-movement work from Beethoven's Caribbean Period.

DILL PICCOLINI: An exceedingly small wind instrument that plays only sour notes.

FERMANTRA: A note held over and over and over and over and . . .

FERMOOTA: A note of dubious value held for indefinite length.

FIDDLER CRABS: Grumpy string players.

FLUTE FLIES: Those tiny mosquitoes that bother musicians on outdoor gigs.

FRUGALHORN: A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument.

GAUL BLATTER: A French horn player.

GREGORIAN CHAMP: The title bestowed upon the monk who can hold a note the longest.

GROUND HOG: Someone who takes control of the repeated bass line and won't let anyone else play it.

PLACEBO DOMINGO: A faux tenor.

SCHMALZANDO: A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band.

THE RIGHT OF STRINGS: Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Violists.

SPRITZICATO: An indication to string instruments to produce a bright and bubbly sound.

TEMPO TANTRUM: What an elementary school orchestra is having when it's not following the conductor.

TROUBLE CLEF: Any clef one can't read: e.g., alto clef for pianists.

VESUVIOSO: An indication to build up to a fiery conclusion.

VIBRATTO: Child prodigy son of the concertmaster.

FOUR GREAT RELIGIOUS TRUTHS

Contributed by Hope Geidel During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these: FOUR GREAT RELIGIOUS TRUTHS:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

ADVANTAGES OF LIVING AFTER AGE 50

Contributed by Rick O.

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true....

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!


01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run---anywhere!

04. People call at 9 pm and ask,"did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm, if you want.

09. You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Send this to every one you can remember right now!

* Remember: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!!!!

STRAW HAT

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."

THE YOUNG PRIEST

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, 'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that Rock 'n Roll Gospel Choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.'

'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the New Ideas of Youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the Drive-thru Confessional.'

'But Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.

QUESTION

Q: What do you call an eternity?

A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

"MEMORY": A SPOOF BY PAM PETERSON

Click on the link below
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=HzSaoN2LdfU

THE PRINCESS

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;
metal,
wood,
stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.


THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted, and the prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,

'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there....'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.





She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer)

V

V







M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

You know I wouldn't post anything rude, right?

WHERE'S THE MONEY GOING?

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't tell this to five OLD friends right away, there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

BRAVE. . . . BUT NOT BRIGHT

Contributed by Mike G.


A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed,

'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

MULE TRADING

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"What ? ? ? Didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.





Limit all US politicians to two Terms.
One in office
One in prison