PASSWORD

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
the following password:



MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy



When asked why such a big password, she said "Well duuhhhh, it had to
be at least 8 characters long".

ANGELS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN

Angels Explained By Children

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.

-Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it

-Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.

-Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.

-Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.

-Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!

-Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.

-Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.

-Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.

-Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.

-Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.

-Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.

- Bill, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.

-Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.

-Sarah, 7

RUBBER GLOVES

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was Nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his Gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them Into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, She burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

ELDERLY ROAD TRIP

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. A fter finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. A s the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

THANKSGIVING JOKES

I wanted to post more Thanksgiving Jokes this week. These were video and picture (including cartoon) jokes. However, I am having trouble getting them posted. If anyone out there can help by telling me how to do it, that would be great because I've run into a brick wall.

Hopefully I will have this problem solved for the Christmas Jokes.

So, if you want to see the written (text) Thanksgiving jokes, scroll down below for the jokes on November 10 down through November 3.

In the meantime, I will post other daily jokes; so enjoy.

THE POPE & NANCY PELOSI

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, the speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

FOR CATHOLICS ONLY

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

STABLE: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

MANGER: Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.




Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

TWO IRANIAN SPIES

Two Iranian spies meet in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers, 'Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish.'

WEATHER FORECAST

It was November and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold"?

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.

So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter"?

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again. " Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold"?

" Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure"? the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

HUNTING SEASON

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing50 mph! I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

So I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that crap?"

OSU / MICHIGAN WEEK! !

Since OSU and Michigan play this week, the jokes for this week will be about the BIG game; OSU / Michigan jokes! (can you tell I am biased?)

BUCKEYE MORTICIAN

A mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. The apprentice walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.

Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its backside. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Michigan fight song come out the guy's backside.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

Annoyed by the incompetence of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs.

"There, look at the cork in there, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please... you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then... the Michigan fight song started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its former position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of a**holes sing that song."

LAUNDRY

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting should I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Go Michigan."

"Use Hot Water , A box of Tide and Four Cups Bleach."

GO BUCKS

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Toledo Park near Ottawa Hills when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog's neck and saving his friend.

A reporter from the Toledo Blade was strolling by and sees the incident. "Toledo Rockets Fan Saves Friend From Vicious A nimal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Rockets fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since you are in Ohio , I just assumed you were," said the

reporter. . . . . . .starts writing again. "Buckeye Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific A ttack"

"I'm not a Buckeyes fan either," the boy said

"Oh, I assumed everyone in Toledo was either for the Rockets or the Buckeyes. What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Wolverine fan," the child said. The reporter started a new sheet in his notebook and wrote:

"Little Bastard From Michigan Kills Beloved Family Pet."

And that was his story and he stuck to it! ! ! !

GO BUCKS! ! ! GO BUCKS! ! ! GO BUCKS! ! !

MICHIGAN JOKES

A guy in a Ohio bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?" The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am a Michigan Graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he is a Michigan Graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and he is also a Michigan Graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times"

******************************************************************


Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the ground? A ll five books in the library were completely destroyed... the football team is really upset by the fire; they hadn't colored in two of the books yet!

*********************************************************************

What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor ? Columbus : 187 Miles

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What does the average University of Michigan student get on his S A T? Drool

**********************************************************************

How do you get a Michigan Graduate off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Four college Alumni were climbing a mountain one day: A OSU grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal fan of their alma mater. A s they climbed higher, they argued as to which of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way to the top when the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountainside shouting, "This is for the fighting Irish!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this, the OSU grad walked over and shouted, "This is for the Buckeyes!" and pushed the Michigan grad off the mountain.

*************************************************************************

What did the Michigan grad say to the OSU grad? "Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order please?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store." "But, I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!" "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I better show you how."

*************************************************************************

A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery, when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man." The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan . A s they are walking, Lloyd trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp. "Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd both say they did. "You will each get one wish," said the genie. Lloyd offers to go first. "I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid Ohioans can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high,and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!" The genie grants the wish to Lloyd and his is instantly whisked away to his new paradise.The genie now tells Jim he'll grant him one wish. Jim says, "Fill it up with water."

*************************************************************************

Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games? Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

What are the three longest years of a Michigan football player's life? His freshman year.

***********************************************************************

G O B U C K S !!!!!

U OF M FIGHT SONG

A farmer outside of Ann Arbor was working his cattle one day when he
heard faint music coming from nearby. After hunting about for a time,
he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was
even louder near the calf's tail. Putting his head close to the calf's
hind end, he heard the University of Michigan 's fight song

Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to a vet in
Ann Arbor . When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told
him. The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen. He
casually agreed and when he heard the University of Michigan 's fight
song he didn't seem particularly excited.

"Man, this is unbelievable! How can you stand there and not be amazed?"
the farmer asked. The vet, a third generation Ohio State University
graduate, said, "Hell, Bud, I'm a Buckeye and I've been listening to
assholes sing that song my whole life."

BUCKEYE FAN AND PRIEST

Buckeye Fans and Priests

We Ohio State fans amuse ourselves by scaring every Michigan fan we see strutting down the street with that obnoxious maze & blue "M" on his shirt. We would swerve our vans as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.

One day, while driving along, I saw a priest. I thought I would do a good deed so I pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis Church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and we
continued down the road. Suddenly, I saw a Michigan fan walking down the road, with that "M"shirt on and I instinctively swerved as if to hit him.But, as usual, I swerved back into the road just in time. Even though I was certain that I had missed the guy, I still heard a loud "THUD."

Not understanding where the noise came from, I glanced in my mirrors but still didn't see anything. I then remembered the priest, and turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Michigan fan.

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

GO BUCKS

OHIO STATE FAN

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Michigan Wolverine fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are Michigan fans too. Not really knowing what a Michigan fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air.
There is, however, one exception. A little girl named Tara has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asked her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Michigan fan" she reports.

"Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Ohio State Buckeye fan," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed, her face slightly red. She asks little Tara why she is an OSU fan.

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Buckeye fans, so I'm a Buckeye fan too" she responds. The teacher is angry now.

"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"

Tara smiled and says, "Then I'd be a Michigan fan."

BUCKEYE JOKE

A graduate from Ohio State , a graduate from Michigan and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his first child. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.

"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. "Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which first-born belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."

The three proud papas agreed and the Ohio grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three

newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door.

“Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice," the nurse asked. "No, I'm not," replied the Buckeye grad. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the Michigan kid."

BUCKEYE JOKE

A graduate from Ohio State , a graduate from Michigan and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his first child. Suddenly, the lights went out. Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room.

"I've got good news and bad news, gentlemen and pig," she announced. "Despite the electrical outage, two healthy boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered. However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which first-born belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first."

The three proud papas agreed and the Ohio grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three

newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door.

“Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice," the nurse asked. "No, I'm not," replied the Buckeye grad. "But I just couldn't run the risk of ending up with the Michigan kid."

WHAT DOES YOUR DADDY DO FOR A LIVING?

Little Ashley was in her 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Ashley was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked her about her father.


My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and do strange things with him for money."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Ashley aside to ask her, Is that really true about your father?"


"No," said Ashley, "He plays for the Cleveland Browns, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

VETERAN'S DAY

Today is Veteran's Day. Thank a Veteran for their service to our country. There really is nothing funny about that, but it is important, for without them, we would not have the freedoms that we enjoy today.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING - 2

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,

BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.

SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.

I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....

HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POT A TOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.


Happy Thanksgiving Everyone

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,

MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.

MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,

MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,

MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,

MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER

STAY OFF YOUR THIGHS

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY ON THANKSGIVING

01. Talk about a huge breast!

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

03. It's Cool Whip time!

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

05. That's one terrific spread!

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

07. A re you ready for seconds yet?

08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

THANKSGIVING

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving
and says," I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the
sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other,
and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and
tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like
heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She
calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting
divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother
back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HE A R ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says,"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way

HMMMMMMMM

He laid her on the table
so white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet, with beads of sweat,
he rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
and then drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide... he looked inside,
all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands,
stretched out his arms...












And then he stuffed the turkey.
May I be the first to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving !

THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING

T'was the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen,
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
this rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!


Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.


There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.


I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"


He looks all around and with total regret,
says "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life!


He flees from the room in terror and pain ,and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ?
Oh, shit, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell !!


I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.


Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

THE PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had
a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John
tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier
and even ruder.


John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put
him in the freezer. For a few Minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.



Fearing that he hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms
and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."


John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING

PREGNANT TURKEY

I know there are some hunters reading this one!! So what a horrible trick to play on someone!

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

TURKEY TRIVIA QUIZ

TURKEY TRIVIA QUIZ

http://home.aristotle.net/Thanksgiving/trivia.asp

You may have to cut and paste this into your browser.

JUST THINK!

If the Indians had given the Pilgrim fathers
a donkey instead of a turkey,
we all would be having a piece of ass
for Thanksgiving.

INDEX OF JOKES ON THIS SITE

Last updated: 5/1/10
Note: dates of jokes appear beginning 3/28/10.


ANIMALS
Animal Revenge
How to Wash a Toilet


BLONDE
Another Blonde Joke (3/3/10)
Corn Maze for Blondes
Naked Cowboy
Pass Word
Pregnant Turkey

CHRISTMAS
12 Days of Christmas
Angels Explained by Children
Christmas Carol Parrot
A Christmas Song from Indiana U.
A Christmas Story
Dear Santa
Fruit Cake Depression
Holiday Message
Hunters Beware
Match the Dogs
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas to All
OOOOPPPPS! ! !
Remember This at Christmastime
Rival Tree Balls
Santa Has a Big Problem
Santa's Jigsaw
Santa's Problem With Newer Architecture
Santa's Reindeer Orchestra
Santa's Troubles
Tiger's Visit to Santa
White Christmas (or New Year's)
Why is a Christmastree better than a man?
Who Shot Santa?
Woods Holiday Poem


EASTER
Easter Funnies (4/4/10)
Happy Easter From the Dog (4/3/10)
No Joke Today (4/1/10)
Sore Butt (4/2/10)


FALL (Coming Soon)


KIDS
A Favorite Mother's Day Story (5/9/10)
Angels Explained by Children
Big People Words
Generation "Y"
Kids Say the Cutest Things
Little Johnny at it Again
Little Johnny at it Again: 2 (4/8/10)
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Tough Love VS Spanking: A Good Argument
The Haircut (3/29/10)
Through the Eyes of a Young'in
What Does Your Daddy do for a Living?
Why Boys Need Parents
Why Teachers Drink: 1
Why Teachers drink: 2


MARRIAGE
Cake or Bed
Financial Planning at its Best
Hunting Season
No Speak English
Kite Flying (4/11/10)
Sheer Negligees Can be Fatal (5/8/10)
Wally's Wedding Night
Wedding Ring Exchange Fail
What is Celibacy?
Who's Your Real Friend?

MEDICAL
Colonoscopy Journal
Fred (4/10/10)
The Good Nurse
Ole in Deluth
Rubber Gloves
The Dentist (4/16/10)

MEN
Computer Joke
Financial Planning at its Best
Geography of Men and Women
Naked Cowboy
Things Men Notice When they are Over 60
Why Boys Need Parents
Why Men are Never Depressed
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

MISCELANEOUS
Airline Announcements
Be Careful When you Fart
Computer Repair (4/26/10)
Chinese Sick Leave (4/20/10)
Choking in the South
Frozen Carburetor
How to Install a Home Security System
How to Save the Airlines (4/6/10)
Kodak Moments: 1 (5/10/10)
Michaelangelo's David Returns to Italy
Most Functional English Word
Newspaper Articles: 1 (5/1/10)
Newspaper Articles: 2 (5/2/10)
Newspaper Articles: 3 (5/3/10)
Newspaper Articles: 4 (5/4/10)
Newspaper Articles: 5 (5/5/10)
Newspaper Articles: 6 (5/6/10)
Newspaper Articles: 7 (5/7/10)
O CRAP! ! 1 (4/12/10)
O CRAP! ! 2 (4/13/10)
O Crap! ! 3 (4/14/10)
Ole and Sven (4/20/10)
Oxymorons
People of Walmart: 1
People of Walmart: 2
People of Walmart: 3
Potatoe Postitute
Puns for the Educated (4/25/10)
Shortest Books I Know
Signs of the Times: 1
Signs of the Times: 2
Some Points to Ponder (4/29/10)
This is What Happens When You Play With Your Food: 1 (4/18/10)
This is What Happens When You Play With Your Food: 2 (4/19/10)
This is What Happens When You Play With Your Food: 3 (4/20/10)
This is What Happens When You Play With Your Food: 4 (4/21/10)
This is What Happens When You Play With Your Food: 5 (4/22/10)
This is What Happens When You Play With Your Food: 6 (4/23/10)
This is What Happens When You Play With Your Food: 7 (4/24/10)
Urgent Warning
Weather Forecast
Words of Witdom (4/6/10)


MUSIC
Two Men playing One Flute - J.s. Bach Badineri
Yamaha Recall (4/9/10)

NAUGHTY
Just Think!
No Speak English

OLD AGE
Dr. Seuss on Old Age
Elderly Road Trip
Getting Older (4/7/10)
Rubber Gloves
Sad but True Facts
Softball in Heaven
Things Men Notice When they are Over 60
Through the Eyes of a Young'in
Wally's Wedding Night
Wow! I'm Rich!


OSU / MICHIGAN
Buckeye Fan and Priest
Buckeye Joke
Buckeye Mortician
Go Bucks
Laundry
Michigan Jokes
Ohio State Fan
U of M Fight Song



POLITICAL
Baskin Robins New Ice Cream Flavor (4/17/10)
Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin
Constipation
Dead Mule (3/31/10)
Economic Indicators
Please Pay Your Taxes (4/15/10)
Political Cartoons: Part 1
Political Cartoons: Part 2
Political Cartoons: Part 3
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi
Presidents in Art
Remember
Remember John Hinkley?
Sarah Palin and the Pope
Simple Task of Removing Splinters (5/4/10)
Sweatin' With the Socialists
The President on Health Care and You
What a Great Year 2009 Was (4/27/10)


RELIGION
Angels Explained by Children
Church Sign
For Catholics Only
Lent Song
Liturgy Thoughts
New Pastor
Perils of a Catholic Upbringing
Pope Makes Changes in Mass (4/28/09)
The Haircut (3/29/10)
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi
Sarah Palin and the Pope

SPORTS
Ball Game (4/5/10)
Bottle of Merlot
He Makes Money Coming and. . .
Little Johnny at it Again
Testicle Thearapy (4/29/10)
Tiger's New Look
Tiger Woods Driving Range Game (3/30/10)
What a Great Year 2009 Was (4/27/10)
What Does Your Daddy do for a Living?

SPRING
A Favorite Mother's Day Story (5/9/10)
Ball Game (4/5/10)
Please Pay Your Taxes (4/15/10)

ST. PATTY'S DAY
Another Dream Shattered
Bill and Tom
Crowds Panic as Floods Threaten Ireland
Dying Irish Nun
Irish Catholics
Irish Humor
Irish Joke
Irish Jokes
Irishman in an English Store
Murphy's Pub
The Irishman and the Mormon


SUMMER (Coming Soon)



THANKSGIVING
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving - 2
Hmmmmm
Just Think!
The Night Before Thanksgiving
The Parrott
Pregnant Turkey
Thanksgiving
Things you can only say on Thanksgiving
Turkey Trivia Quiz

ST. VALENTINE'S DAY
Inspirations for your Valentine Day Cards
Little Thelma
Valentine's Day
Valentine Day Puppy
Valentine's You Don't Want to See


WAR
Gay Terrorist
Little Thelma
Navy Catch & Release Program for Terrorists (4/27/10)
Tales of Islamic Extremists Motherhood (4/13/10)
Two Iranian Spies
You Might be a Taliban Fighter if. . .

WINTER
Church Sign
Cigars and Snowmen
How Ice Cream Cones are Made
Frosty's Nose
Snow Men Being Robbed
Snowmen Laughs: 1
Snowmen Laughs: 2
Snowmen Laughs: 3
Snow Sex
Those are Fake!
Winter Poem
Yikes! !
Yuck! !


WOMEN
Computer Joke
Financial Planning at its Best
Geography of Men and Women
Quote of the Day: Women

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