LIFE IN TODAY'S CHURCHES - 3

Contributed by Judy G.
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LIFE IN TODAY'S CHURCHES - 2

Cont. by Judy G.
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LIFE IN TODAY'S CHURCHES - 1

Cont. by Judy G.

TEST YOURSELF

GOOD TEST, I am not an alcoholic according to the test results.  I knew I wasn't an Alcoholic, I just drink too much!!!

I have been concerned about a few of you so when I saw this simple test, I thought I should forward it to you :

Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your computer......

This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic.  Take a glance at the picture below:

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 If you saw the bar sign,
You are an alcoholic.

If you didn't see the bar sign,
then you're normal.

PHOTOS OF IRONY - 4

Contributed by Carol I.

PHOTOS OF IRONY - 3

Contributed by Carol I.

PHOTOS OF IRONY - 2

Contributed by Carol I.

PHOTOS OF IRONY - 1

Contributed by Carol I.

HOW WOMEN VIEW MEN

Contributed by Julie C.

A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected on this subject.

FIRST GRADERS AND PROVERBS

Contributed by Carol I.

 

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

 

 

 

 

1.	Don't change horses	until they stop running.
2.	Strike while the	bug is close.
3.	It's always darkest before	Daylight Saving Time.
4.	Never underestimate the power of	termites.
5.	You can lead a horse to water but	how?
6.	Don't bite the hand that	looks dirty.
7.	No news is	impossible.
8.	A miss is as good as a	Mr.
9.	You can't teach an old dog new	math.
10.	If you lie down with dogs, you'll	stink in the morning.
11.	Love all, trust	me.
12.	The pen is mightier than the	pigs.
13.	An idle mind is	the best way to relax.
14.	Where there's smoke there's	pollution.
15.	Happy the bride who	gets all the presents.
16.	A penny saved is	not much.
17.	Two's company, three's	the Musketeers.
18.	Don't put off till tomorrow what	you put on to go to bed.
19.	Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and	you have to blow your nose.
20.	There are none so blind as	Stevie Wonder.
21.	Children should be seen and not	spanked or grounded.
22.	If at first you don't succeed	get new batteries.
23.	You get out of something only what you	see in the picture on the box.
24.	When the blind lead the blind	get out of the way.
25.	A bird in the hand	is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.	Better late than	pregnant.

THE BLIND BUNNY

Contributed by Carol I


One morning, a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop, right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming; by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...

'You must be a POLITICIAN !'

NEW MAXINE'S - 2

Contributed by Nick V.

NEW MAXINE'S - 1

WINTER IS COMING

Contributed by Rick O.

The Farmer's Almanac is predicting a very cold winter.
It must be true because the squirrels
are gathering NUTS.
Three of my friends have disappeared.
Are you O.K.?

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GRANDFATHERS AND GRANDMOTHERS

Contributed by Carol I.

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
"Oh, yes, Papa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

MAKING A BABY

Contributed by Julie C.

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one 'X-rated' word in it, and it is funny!--

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs..Smith fainted

OLD AGE FUNNIES - 2

Contributed by Julie C.

Old Man Eye Test:

OLD AGE FUNNIES - 1

Contributed by Julie C.

AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT

Contributed by Judy G.



FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!


FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.


FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.




FACT:
1 elderly person is reading a jokes website.



You hang in there, Sunshine