Wednesday, August 31, 2011

WHAT CAUSES MOST ACCIDENTS IN THE U. S.

Contributed by Steve S.




 
What Causes the Most Accidents in the USA?

Not the radio......
Not the GPS monitor......
Not talking......
Not texting......
Not watching a car video......
Not changing a CD......
The most frequent causes of accidents
in the USA are caused by:
















Yep !!!....


You guessed it !!!.... Inappropriate footwear !!!....

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Contributed by Steve S.



Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.


She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.

Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, Land Mines.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Friday, August 26, 2011

Thursday, August 25, 2011

SMILES AND MORE SMILES

Contributed by Judy G.




The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.




My grandpa started walking

five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.



The only reason I would take up walking

is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...




I joined a health club last year,

spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.




I do have flabby thighs,

but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'



If you are going to try cross-country skiing,

start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.




We all get heavier as we get older,

because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.





You could run this over to your friends

But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

THE LAWYER AND THE BLONDE

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.


She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that... he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.


Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.






Two lessons here:


1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.


2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

WE SHOULD BE AS COMPASSIONATE AS THEY ARE IN VENICE

Contributed by Judy G.







Because there are no mosques in Venice,


the Government has allowed the Italian Muslims to pray in the streets......



So far 543 have drowned.


Monday, August 22, 2011

ALZHEIMER'S TEST

Contributed by Rick O.





How fast can you guess these words with missing letters?


1. F_ _K


2. PU_S_


3. S_X


4. P_N_S


5. BOO_S


6. _ _NDOM





(Scroll Down for Answers)


























Answers:


1. FORK


2. PULSE


3. SIX


4. PANTS


5. BOOKS


6. RANDOM










You got all 6 wrong didn't you?


Well, Congratulations!


You don't have Alzheimer's –


but you are a pervert...

Sunday, August 21, 2011

EMPLOYEE ABUSE

Contributed by Paula L.

The South Dakota Department of Governmental Oversight heard that a small local farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.



SD Govt employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.


Farmer: Well, there's my farmhand who's been with me for about a year. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.


Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.


SD Govt employee: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.


Farmer: That would be me.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE

Contributed by Rick O.







George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.


He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"


He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.


Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"


George said, "Okay."


He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.


"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.


Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.


One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"


George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


Don't mess with old people.





















Friday, August 19, 2011

GIRL POLICE OFFICERS

Contributed by Rick O







These are the lady police officers from various countries.






China






India




Indonesia




Japan




Malaysia





North Korea




Pakistan




Philippines




Singapore




South Korea




Tawain




Vietnam





United States

Our lady officers are better equipped to block doorways so the bad guys don't get away? Bad guys could easily slip through the doorway with those little ones.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

Cont. by Rick O.







1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.


3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.


4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.


5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.


And....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls
become.


There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

CLASSIFIED AD BLOOPERS

Contributed by Julie C.




The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:


Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.


----------------------------------
Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog

----------------------------------
Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog

----------------------------------
German Shepherd - 85lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free!

----------------------------------


1 Man, 7 Women hot tub -- $850/offer

----------------------------------
Amana Washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.


----------------------------------
Snow blower for sale.
Only used on snowy days.


----------------------------------
2 Wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair $15.


----------------------------------
Tickle Me Elmo, Still in Box,
Comes with its own
1988 Mustang, 5L, Auto
Excellent Condition, $6,800.


----------------------------------
83 Toyota Hunchback -- $2,000


----------------------------------
Star Wars Job of the Hut -- $15


----------------------------------
Soft & Genital Bath Tissues
or Facial Tischue - $.89


----------------------------------
Full-Sized Mattress
20 Year Warranty
Like New! Slight urine smell.


----------------------------------
FREE 1 Can of Pork & Beans
With Purchase of 3 BR / 2 BTH Home


----------------------------------
Nordic Track $300
Hardly used. Call Chubbie.


----------------------------------
Bill's Septic Cleaning
"We Haul American Made Products"


----------------------------------
Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks


----------------------------------
HUMMELS - Largest Selection Ever!
"If it's in stock, we have it!"


----------------------------------
Get a Little John:
The Traveling Urinal
Holds 2 1/2 Bottles of Beer.


----------------------------------
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club


----------------------------------
Georgia Peaches
California Grown - $.89/lb.


----------------------------------
Nice Parachute
Never Opened - Used Once
Slightly Stained


----------------------------------
American Flag
60 Stars - Pole Included - $100


----------------------------------
Tired of Working for only $9.75 per hour?
We offer profit sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay: $7-9 per hour.


----------------------------------
Exercise Equipment
Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175


----------------------------------
Our Sofa Seats the Whole Mob!
And it's made of 100% Italian Leather.


----------------------------------
Joining Nudist Colony!
Must Sell Washer & Dryer - $300


----------------------------------
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty.


----------------------------------
Alzheimer's Center Prepares
for an Affair to Remember


----------------------------------
Gas Cloud Clears out Taco Bell


----------------------------------
Open House!
Body Shapers Toning Salon
Free Coffee & Donuts


----------------------------------
Kellogg's Pot Tarts - $1.99/box.


----------------------------------
Fully Cooked Boneless Smoked Mann $2.09/lb.


----------------------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes - Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

MEN IN TRAINING

Contributed by Carol I.