CEMETERY PLOT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

REAR END COLLISION

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

NINA CONTI - THE ART OF VENTRILOQUISM AT ITS BEST

Contributed by Rosemary M.

 

Yes, I know over the years you've seen your share of Charlie McCarthy, Lamb Chops, Jeff Dunham, etc. But I think after seeing this one you'll agree it certainly is a first. This gal is something else.......

Http://vimeo.com/61886386

WE'RE TRAPPED

DESPERATION

Contributed by Juloie C.

YOU DON'T GET LUNCH

BREAKFAST IN BED

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

Contributed by Kathy G.




On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.  Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,
One for me...' 

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, One for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done....

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

A COMBO

Contributed by Julie C.

BUS HUMOR - 4

Contributed by Carol I.

BUS HUMOR - 3

Contributed by Carol I.

BUS HUMOR - 2

Contributed by Carol I

BUS HUMOR - 1

Contributed by Carol I.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT

Cont. by Julie C.

23 ADULT TRUTHS

Contributed by Rick O

 

 

 

23 ADULT TRUTHS 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay. 17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. 21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find     and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time. 23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

IS THERE A PROBLEM OFFICER?

Contributed by Julie C.


A woman is pulled over by a police officer when the following discussion takes place:

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.
...
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

WATCH YOUR STEP

"F" FOR T-REX

FUN PLACES TO GO

Contributed by Mike G

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

 

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

 

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

 

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

 

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

 

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

 

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

 

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart!

At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

 

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

 

PLEASE DO YOUR PART! Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.

You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person.

 

My job is done!

 

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

Remembering your age so I have sent this in large print.

MORE FUNNY PICS - 4

Contributed by Mike G.