Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
HOLIDAY MESSAGE
Due to increasing age, forgetfulness, and my decreasing ability to send cards on time, here is my card to cover every Holiday ..
Happy Friggin Everything!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
MORE ON COLONOSCOPIES
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Friday, December 17, 2010
BLONDE TEST
Okay.........here it is. A test to see if your brain is still working.
Which one do you think is the blonde?
Scroll down.
Amazing.. I did notSee it before..
The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.
Which one do you think is the blonde?
Scroll down.
Amazing.. I did notSee it before..
The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.
That is OK I did not Pass the test EITHER!!!!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
THE AMERICAN COLLEGE STUDENT
From the Chicago Tribune, January 2010
For nature lovers, this season has brought the appearance of a special
species, homo studentus universitatus, a.k.a. the college student on
Christmas break.
This highly social creature, which travels in packs and leaves a trail
of unwashed dishes, is apparently drawn to return every winter to its
parental nest. Researchers speculate that it is attracted to
large-screen TVs, down comforters and a ready supply of food.
The initial arrival of homo studentus in late December is heralded by
the appearance of a large pile of dirty laundry. This is followed by
other piles of shoes and clothes, as the denim-rumped primate marks its
territory by covering all flat surfaces with its possessions. Within
days, the floor of its den is nearly impassable, though interestingly,
the creature itself seems not to notice.
It generally remains in its winter habitat through mid-January,
displaying the characteristics that make it a particularly intriguing
form of wildlife.
A nocturnal animal, homo studentus is rarely glimpsed before
mid-afternoon. Observers are warned: Do not attempt to disturb it before
it awakens, as it can become hostile.
Once it begins to stir, it generally moves slowly to the vicinity of a
television and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Again, do not approach it;
at this point the creature appears to be unable to engage in
conversation or even to hear sounds such as requests to walk the dog.
By late afternoon, however, homo studentus becomes fully conscious and
begins to interact with other members of its species.
Homo studentus communicates largely by using its opposable thumbs for
texting. The species social structure is complex and communal.
Individuals gather in collectives, similar to hives, with different
individuals fulfilling sp cific roles. One may buy the beer; another may
surf YouTube for funny videos of animals.
They will often congregate on sofas in family rooms, burrowing
underneath fleece throws and blankets. The pack can grow so large and
dense that it may be difficult to discern which feet belong to which
body. Observers trying to track the populations are advised to count
heads.
Homo studentus is an extremely intelligent species, judging by the
creatures GPAs, their verbal interactions and their speed with answers
to "Jeopardy!" However, scientists are puzzled by their inability to
fold blankets or put dishes into a dishwasher. It may be that their
brains have evolved to specialize in such tasks as remembering lines
from movies and applying to graduate school, to the detriment of those
parts of the brain that are involved in such tasks as hanging clothes in
a closet.
They appear to be cold-blooded, judging by the levels at which they set
the thermostat. On the other hand, their preference for indoor heat may
be a function of not paying for utilities.
Those who hope to observe this species closely can attract them by
providing the right environment. Set out feeders, e.g. pizzas. Scatter
indoor areas with pillows. Provide premium cable channels and potato
chips. Stay out of sight and dont touch the remote.
You may not always see the creatures themselves, particularly if you
sleep at night. Some people have gone days without seeing the examples
of homo studentus that have taken up residence in their homes. Be
patient, and look for signs: A profusion of hair-care products in your
bathroom, perhaps, or tire tracks in the snow on your front lawn.
Eventually, even the most elusive of the creatures will show themselves,
if only to ask you to buy more Honey Nut Cheerios.
The rewards of the species visit are substantial -- a window into a
complex society, happy noise in a quiet house, an impressive library of
funny animal videos and the way your credit card feels so vibrantly
alive. Indeed, many wildlife watchers are reluctant to see the creatures
depart, and abandon their roles as observers to hug and kiss the
creatures.
But the homo studentus season is brief. No matter how much the creatures
have enjoyed the family nest and the use of their own bathrooms, they
will soon return to college. Nature lovers must put away their
binoculars, turn down the thermostat and bide their time until spring
migration.
For nature lovers, this season has brought the appearance of a special
species, homo studentus universitatus, a.k.a. the college student on
Christmas break.
This highly social creature, which travels in packs and leaves a trail
of unwashed dishes, is apparently drawn to return every winter to its
parental nest. Researchers speculate that it is attracted to
large-screen TVs, down comforters and a ready supply of food.
The initial arrival of homo studentus in late December is heralded by
the appearance of a large pile of dirty laundry. This is followed by
other piles of shoes and clothes, as the denim-rumped primate marks its
territory by covering all flat surfaces with its possessions. Within
days, the floor of its den is nearly impassable, though interestingly,
the creature itself seems not to notice.
It generally remains in its winter habitat through mid-January,
displaying the characteristics that make it a particularly intriguing
form of wildlife.
A nocturnal animal, homo studentus is rarely glimpsed before
mid-afternoon. Observers are warned: Do not attempt to disturb it before
it awakens, as it can become hostile.
Once it begins to stir, it generally moves slowly to the vicinity of a
television and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Again, do not approach it;
at this point the creature appears to be unable to engage in
conversation or even to hear sounds such as requests to walk the dog.
By late afternoon, however, homo studentus becomes fully conscious and
begins to interact with other members of its species.
Homo studentus communicates largely by using its opposable thumbs for
texting. The species social structure is complex and communal.
Individuals gather in collectives, similar to hives, with different
individuals fulfilling sp cific roles. One may buy the beer; another may
surf YouTube for funny videos of animals.
They will often congregate on sofas in family rooms, burrowing
underneath fleece throws and blankets. The pack can grow so large and
dense that it may be difficult to discern which feet belong to which
body. Observers trying to track the populations are advised to count
heads.
Homo studentus is an extremely intelligent species, judging by the
creatures GPAs, their verbal interactions and their speed with answers
to "Jeopardy!" However, scientists are puzzled by their inability to
fold blankets or put dishes into a dishwasher. It may be that their
brains have evolved to specialize in such tasks as remembering lines
from movies and applying to graduate school, to the detriment of those
parts of the brain that are involved in such tasks as hanging clothes in
a closet.
They appear to be cold-blooded, judging by the levels at which they set
the thermostat. On the other hand, their preference for indoor heat may
be a function of not paying for utilities.
Those who hope to observe this species closely can attract them by
providing the right environment. Set out feeders, e.g. pizzas. Scatter
indoor areas with pillows. Provide premium cable channels and potato
chips. Stay out of sight and dont touch the remote.
You may not always see the creatures themselves, particularly if you
sleep at night. Some people have gone days without seeing the examples
of homo studentus that have taken up residence in their homes. Be
patient, and look for signs: A profusion of hair-care products in your
bathroom, perhaps, or tire tracks in the snow on your front lawn.
Eventually, even the most elusive of the creatures will show themselves,
if only to ask you to buy more Honey Nut Cheerios.
The rewards of the species visit are substantial -- a window into a
complex society, happy noise in a quiet house, an impressive library of
funny animal videos and the way your credit card feels so vibrantly
alive. Indeed, many wildlife watchers are reluctant to see the creatures
depart, and abandon their roles as observers to hug and kiss the
creatures.
But the homo studentus season is brief. No matter how much the creatures
have enjoyed the family nest and the use of their own bathrooms, they
will soon return to college. Nature lovers must put away their
binoculars, turn down the thermostat and bide their time until spring
migration.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
ELDERLY FARMER
An elderly manin Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnictables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile,and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bringback some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women from the local college skinny-dipping in his pond.
He said "hi" so as not to scare them and makethem aware of his presence and they all swam over to the deepend.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out of this pond until after you leave."
The old manfrowned, "I didn't come downhere to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some dirty old men can still think pretty fast.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile,and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bringback some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women from the local college skinny-dipping in his pond.
He said "hi" so as not to scare them and makethem aware of his presence and they all swam over to the deepend.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out of this pond until after you leave."
The old manfrowned, "I didn't come downhere to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked...." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some dirty old men can still think pretty fast.
Friday, December 10, 2010
GOLFERS ARE A STRANGE BREED - 2
Police were called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just
put me down for a five."
%%%%%%%%%%%
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found it and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
%%%%%%%%%%%
The bride was escorted down the aisle. When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just
put me down for a five."
%%%%%%%%%%%
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found it and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"
The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
%%%%%%%%%%%
The bride was escorted down the aisle. When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
Thursday, December 9, 2010
GOLFERS ARE A STRANGE BREED - 1
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly
she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for minute,
picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises
her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they
found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to
help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she
asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's
already agreed to let him play through."
%%%%%%%%%%%
A reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular,
your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You
really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
%%%%%%
A young man and a priest are playing together. It's a short Par-3.
The priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our heads down."
she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for minute,
picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises
her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they
found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to
help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she
asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's
already agreed to let him play through."
%%%%%%%%%%%
A reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular,
your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You
really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
%%%%%%
A young man and a priest are playing together. It's a short Par-3.
The priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our heads down."
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.
EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
CONFUCIUS SAY. . . . .
Confucius Says:
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there..
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Monday, December 6, 2010
CHIPPENDALE'S 30TH REUNION
Coming to your town soon:
Can you believe it???
It's been 30 years since these HOT Men came dancing into your lives.
Sometimes life isn't fair!
Can you believe it???
It's been 30 years since these HOT Men came dancing into your lives.
Then it all went wrong!!
SEE CHIPPENDALES
30TH
REUNION...
SEE CHIPPENDALES
30TH
REUNION...
Sometimes life isn't fair!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
DETROIT BURGER KING
Contributed by Carol I.
This borders on pathetic. This is at a Burger King in Detroit and Proof that the Detroit school system works!
This is an actual picture of a Burger King in Detroit.
This borders on pathetic. This is at a Burger King in Detroit and Proof that the Detroit school system works!
This is an actual picture of a Burger King in Detroit.
Friday, December 3, 2010
IMPORTANT WOMEN'S HEALTH ISSUE
Contributed by Julie C.
* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
This contribution is from Phil D.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
COLONOSCOPY JOURNAL
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of go at spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too t ipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of go at spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too t ipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
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