A COWBOY TOMBSTONE

Contributed by Nick V

 

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone' contest.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

Contributed by Nick V.


NICKNAMESIf Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and WWWildman
EATING OUTWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMSA man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTSA woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTUREA woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UPA woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURALMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRINGAh, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Contributed by Nick V.


WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

OLDER MEN SCAM

Contributed by Rick O.

CAUTION, OLDER MEN SCAM

IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU NO MATTER HOW TOUGH YOU THINK YOU ARE

Older Men Scam Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Oct. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Nov. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores. Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

LEVELS OF STRESS

Contributed by Carol I

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital

Now that’s stressful

But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you are going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.

This is getting very stressful

So then you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth

.

You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way home, you think about your 3 kids

Now. that is stress

BRILLIANT

Contributed by Steve S.


He said to me:  I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him:  You wear pants don't you?

***********************************************

He said to me:  Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him: That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.

***********************************************


He said to me:  What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him:  Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

************************************************

He said to me:  How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him:  I don't know; it has never happened.
************************************************

He said to me:  Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him:   They already have boyfriends.

He said to me:  What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him:   A widow.

He said to me:  Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him:  Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! 

WHY SOME MEN HAVE DOGS INSTEAD OF WIVES

Cont. by Nick V

1.  The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
 

4. A dog's parents never visit.

 

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

 

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

 

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

 

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

 

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 
To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

MEN IN TRAINING

Contributed by Carol I.

MEN

Contributed by Julie C.




 Very Short Story


Man driving down road.


Woman driving up same road.


They pass each other.


Woman yells out window, PIG!


Man yells out window, BITCH!


Man rounds next curve.


Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.




Thought For the Day:


If men would just listen

OLD GUYS

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "It doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that.

HOW TO SERVE CHICKEN WINGS TO A MAN

How to serve chicken wings to a man...

Presentation is the key
(scroll down)









INGREDIENTS NEEDED FOR ASSEMBLY: Chicken Wings, Hush Puppies With A Dash Of Ketchup and Asparagus served On A Bed Of Lettuce.

MEN WHO LACK ADULT SUPERVISION - 5

Contributed by Polly H.

MEN WHO LACK ADULT SUPERVISION - 4

Contributed by Polly H.

MEN WHO LACK ADULT SUPERVISION - 3

Contributed by Polly H.

MEN WHO LACK ADULT SUPERVISION - 2

Contributed by Polly H.

MEN WHO LACK ADULT SUPERVISION - 1

Contributed by Polly H.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!