A drunk in a bar discovered that he had his
pants wet, he turned to the right and asked the man if he had poured beer in his
pants, the man said no. Then the drunk turned to the left and asked other man if
he had poured beer on his pants, the man says no. Then the drunk said, "This
must have been an inside job."
Friday, November 30, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
LITTLE BOY AND MOMMY'S LICENSE
Little boy rambling in his mom's handbag
and read her drivers license. When he came in the kitchen where she was he said,
"Mom, I know how tall you are." She said with a smile,"Sure honey". When he told
her, "5'6", she was startled. Then he said, "I know when you were born." She
almost cut herself with the knife when he told her the month, day and year. Then
he said, "I know why dad left home; because you got a "F" in sex."
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
BLONDE AT A FOOTBALL GAME
A man just took his blonde girlfriend to a
football game. After the games was over, he asked her if she liked the game. "Oh
yes," she replied. "It was great, but there's one thing I don't understand."
"What do you not understand?" "Well, at the beginning of the game, each team
flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. During the game, everyone
kept shouting "get the quarterback, get the quarterback, get the quarterback!"
So I thought to myself, "God, it's just a quarter!"
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Monday, November 26, 2012
WINTER IS COMING
It was November and the Indians on a remote
reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or
mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he
couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he
told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members
of the village should collect firewood.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold"?
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.
So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter"?
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
" A e you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold"?
" Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure"? the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold"?
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.
So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter"?
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
" A e you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold"?
" Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure"? the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Sunday, November 25, 2012
TOP 8 THINGS YOUR MOTHER WOULD NEVER SAY
-- Yeah, I used to cut class a lot, too.
-- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
-- That outfit isn't sexy enough, here, unbutton your blouse.
-- Why don't you hitchhike? It would totally be cheaper.
-- The curfew is just a general time to
shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.
-- Don't clean your room so often. It makes the rest of the house look bad.
-- Can I borrow your new speed metal CDs? -
- Naw, you don't have to call me, I'll eventually figure it out if you're in trouble.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
ONE SPECIAL PIG
There was a couple of tourists passed by a
farm where they had a three legged pig. Courteously they knocked on the farmers
door to inquire about the pig as to why it only had three legs.
The farmer told him that it was a very special pig, "At one time when our daughter Judy was swimming in the pond and almost drowned that very pig, got all excited, came running up to the house, got our attention, and we went down to the pond and rescued Judy."
"Then another time, when the barn started on fire that same pig came running and got our attention, and we were able to save the farm."
"Yep that's one special pig and when you got one that special, you don't want to eat it all at once!"
Friday, November 23, 2012
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP.
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE,
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR,
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY,
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS.
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS!!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL
CLICK HERE FOR YOUR CARD http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=HY27482779
BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP.
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED -
THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE,
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT.
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION,
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR,
AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY,
WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES....
HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP.
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS.
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS!!
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING
T'was the night before Thanksgiving and all through the
kitchen,
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
this rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !"
He looks all around and with total regret,
says "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life !
He flees from the room in terror and pain ,and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ?
Oh, shit, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell !!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
this rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !"
He looks all around and with total regret,
says "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life !
He flees from the room in terror and pain ,and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ?
Oh, shit, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell !!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Friday, November 16, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
BLONDE GUY JOKE
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos! one more time I'm going to jump off, too.”
The blond guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.”
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.. She said, “If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, “Don't look at me. He always made his own lunch!”
They were eating lunch, and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.”
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos! one more time I'm going to jump off, too.”
The blond guy opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.”
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.. She said, “If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!”
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, “Don't look at me. He always made his own lunch!”
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
DYNAMITE
A
body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde
says,
"What
a Great
Chest
you have!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
Scroll down.......
. .
. . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . .
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have!"
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
Scroll down.......
. .
. . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . .
. . . . . .
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
Monday, November 12, 2012
CALL-IN TO RADIO CONTEST
Contributed by Julie C.
The presenter answered and said,
"Congratulations on being our first
caller, all you need to do is answer the
following question correctly, to win our
grand prize!"
"That fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" The presenter asked,
"Its a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in maths," I
proudly replied, "and teach it my local
school."
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2
frontrow seats to a Justin Beiber
concert and to meet him back stage,
what is 2+2?"
"7" I replied.
I phoned the radio station today.
The presenter answered and said,
"Congratulations on being our first
caller, all you need to do is answer the
following question correctly, to win our
grand prize!"
"That fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" The presenter asked,
"Its a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in maths," I
proudly replied, "and teach it my local
school."
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2
frontrow seats to a Justin Beiber
concert and to meet him back stage,
what is 2+2?"
"7" I replied.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Friday, November 2, 2012
HOW TO YOU TELL A DEMOCRAT FROM A REPUBLICAN
Contributed by Ron B.
How do you tell a Democrat from a Republican …
How do you tell a Democrat from a Republican …
Republicans hire an exterminator to kill their bugs;
Democrats step on them….
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned
somewhere; Republicans form censorship committees and read the books in a group…
Democrats eat the fish they catch; Republicans hang theirs
on the wall…
Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, even though
there is seldom any reason why they should; Democrats ought to but don’t.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
POOP OR SHOOT
You need to establish your
priorities...
Some
things are just more important.
SHOOT! SHOOT!!!
You can always poop later.
You can always poop later.