Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were
vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving
in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very
hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids
out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car
swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, And this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, And I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. Will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a Table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory,
Which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play,
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(keep scrolling)
(a little more)
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, And this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.
Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, And I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. Will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a Table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory,
Which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play,
And
a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the
house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on
Betty's
hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as
Bob's arm
Begins
to rise, marking the beat! He
is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up
straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
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(keep scrolling)
(a little more)
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Saturday, October 27, 2012
WHAT DOES YOUR DADDY DO?
Contributed by Kathy E.
Little Ashley was in her 5th grade class when
the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up-- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Ashley was being
uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked her about her
father.
My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go
out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took Little Ashley aside to ask
her, Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said A hley, "He plays for the Cleveland Browns, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up-- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Ashley was being
uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked her about her
father.
My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go
out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took Little Ashley aside to ask
her, Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said A hley, "He plays for the Cleveland Browns, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Friday, October 26, 2012
WEATHER FORECAST
It was October and
the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter
was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he
looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be
on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold
and that the members of the village should collect firewood.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold"?
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.
So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter"?
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
" A re you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold"?
" A bsolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure"? the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold"?
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.
So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter"?
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
" A re you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold"?
" A bsolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure"? the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Thursday, October 25, 2012
HUNTING SEASON
Saturday morning I got up early, put
on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing
50 mph! I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
So I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She
sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in
that crap?"
made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the
garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing
50 mph! I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
So I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She
sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in
that crap?"
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
SOME SENIOR THOUGHTS
Contributed by Nick V.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
God grant
me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into
the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the
difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still
have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.
19. Funny,
I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE..........
20. I'M UNABLE TO REMEMBER WHETHER I'VE SENT YOU THIS BEFORE..........
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
RETIRED HEALTH MESSAGE
Contributed by Nick V
As I was
lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly
realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for
me!
1. If walking is good for your health, the
postman would be immortal.
2. A whale
swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is
fat.
3. A
rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15
years.
4. A
tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450
years.
And you
tell me to exercise?? I don't think
so.
I'm
retired. Go around me.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
THE PASTORS ASS
Contributed by Rick O.
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won
again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won
again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop
fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop
fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the
paper read:
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10...
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the
headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer
NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10...
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the
headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer
Saturday, October 20, 2012
MEDICARE
Contribued by Nick V.
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
'Hello..'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs.. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV... We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?', questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town . . If he finds his way home . . Don't sleep with him.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs.. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV... We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?', questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town . . If he finds his way home . . Don't sleep with him.'
Friday, October 19, 2012
THE SOUTH
Contributed by Nick V.
|
Thursday, October 18, 2012
GETTING OLD
Contributed by Nick V.
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan bsp;'s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.
To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan bsp;'s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favourite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'.
Here are the lyrics she used
: -(Sing It!) - If you sing it, its especially
hysterical!!!
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things. Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things...
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things. Cadillac's and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad, I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things...
Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.
When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
SENIOR DRESS CODE
Contributed by Nick V
SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present
ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful
image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2.. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Mini skirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present
ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful
image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2.. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Mini skirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
Contributed by Nick V
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Monday, October 15, 2012
PRESS THE RED BUTTON
NEED SOME EXCITEMENT IN YOUR LIFE
???
TRY THIS
!!
|
You just never know what might happen next
time you
go out for a quiet cup of
coffee!
Press the red button and find
out........
|
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
HOW TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET - THE FUN WAY
Contributed by Julie C.
Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Friday, October 12, 2012
DON'T FORGET THIS SATURDAY
Anything to help our country!
I know you will want to participate in this patriotic and noble cause.
WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY
Don't forget to mark your calendars.
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.
So this Saturday at 1 P.M. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers.
Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God Bless America !!
P.S. If you don't send this to at least 1 person, you're a terrorist-sympathizing, lily-livered coward and are possibly aiding and abetting terrorists .
Thursday, October 11, 2012
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012
A COWBOY TOMBSTONE
Contributed by Nick V
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy
Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He
died not knowing that he would win the 'Coolest Headstone'
contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY
LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to
have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do
not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
WILL ROGERS ON GROWING OLDER
Contributed by Nick V.
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Monday, October 8, 2012
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
Contributed by Nick V.
NICKNAMESIf Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and WWWildman
EATING OUTWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMSA man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTSA woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTUREA woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UPA woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURALMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRINGAh, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
NICKNAMESIf Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and WWWildman
EATING OUTWhen the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEYA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMSA man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTSA woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTUREA woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGEA woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UPA woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURALMen wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRINGAh, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAYA married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!