Dear God,All I ask for in 2012 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
Amen.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
PRAYER FOR 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
AMISH CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
Enjoy !!!!
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Thursday, December 29, 2011
CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Well, there is good news and bad news about my Christmas decorations.
The good news is that I truly outdid myself this year. The bad news is that I had to take them down after only two days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the ladder and almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). She was one of many people who attempted to do that.
My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.
I think I made him too real this time. But it was fun while it lasted. ;)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
DO YOU AGREE WITH MY NEIGHBORS?
Once Again I was eliminated from the Neighborhood Christmas Lights Competition,
They say I have a BAD ATTITUDE about Christmas?
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
THE AMERICAN COLLEGE STUDENT
January 2010 - Chicago Tribune
For nature lovers, this season has brought the appearance of a special species, homo studentus universitatus, a.k.a. the college student on Christmas break.
This highly social creature, which travels in packs and leaves a trail
of unwashed dishes, is apparently drawn to return every winter to its
parental nest. Researchers speculate that it is attracted to large-screen TVs, down comforters and a ready supply of food.
The initial arrival of homo studentus in late December is heralded by the appearance of a large pile of dirty laundry. This is followed by other piles of shoes and clothes, as the denim-rumped primate marks its territory by covering all flat surfaces with its possessions. Within days, the floor of its den is nearly impassable, though interestingly, the creature itself seems not to notice.
It generally remains in its winter habitat through mid-January,
displaying the characteristics that make it a particularly intriguing
form of wildlife.
A nocturnal animal, homo studentus is rarely glimpsed before
mid-afternoon. Observers are warned: Do not attempt to disturb it before it awakens, as it can become hostile.
Once it begins to stir, it generally moves slowly to the vicinity of a
television and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Again, do not approach it; at this point the creature appears to be unable to engage in conversation or even to hear sounds such as requests to walk the dog.
By late afternoon, however, homo studentus becomes fully conscious and begins to interact with other members of its species.
Homo studentus communicates largely by using its opposable thumbs for texting. The species social structure is complex and communal. Individuals gather in collectives, similar to hives, with different individuals fulfilling specific roles. One may buy the beer; another may surf YouTube for funny videos of animals.
They will often congregate on sofas in family rooms, burrowing
underneath fleece throws and blankets. The pack can grow so large and dense that it may be difficult to discern which feet belong to which body. Observers trying to track the populations are advised to count heads.
Homo studentus is an extremely intelligent species, judging by the
creatures GPAs, their verbal interactions and their speed with answers to "Jeopardy!" However, scientists are puzzled by their inability to fold blankets or put dishes into a dishwasher. It may be that their brains have evolved to specialize in such tasks as remembering lines from movies and applying to graduate school, to the detriment of those parts of the brain that are involved in such tasks as hanging clothes in a closet.
They appear to be cold-blooded, judging by the levels at which they set the thermostat. On the other hand, their preference for indoor heat may be a function of not paying for utilities.
Those who hope to observe this species closely can attract them by
providing the right environment. Set out feeders, e.g. pizzas. Scatter
indoor areas with pillows. Provide premium cable channels and potato chips. Stay out of sight and dont touch the remote.
You may not always see the creatures themselves, particularly if you sleep at night. Some people have gone days without seeing the examples of homo studentus that have taken up residence in their homes. Be patient, and look for signs: A profusion of hair-care products in your bathroom, perhaps, or tire tracks in the snow on your front lawn. Eventually, even the most elusive of the creatures will show themselves, if only to ask you to buy more Honey Nut Cheerios.
The rewards of the species visit are substantial -- a window into a
complex society, happy noise in a quiet house, an impressive library of funny animal videos and the way your credit card feels so vibrantly alive. Indeed, many wildlife watchers are reluctant to see the creatures depart, and abandon their roles as observers to hug and kiss the creatures.
But the homo studentus season is brief. No matter how much the creatures have enjoyed the family nest and the use of their own bathrooms, they will soon return to college. Nature lovers must put away their binoculars, turn down the thermostat and bide their time until spring migration.
For nature lovers, this season has brought the appearance of a special species, homo studentus universitatus, a.k.a. the college student on Christmas break.
This highly social creature, which travels in packs and leaves a trail
of unwashed dishes, is apparently drawn to return every winter to its
parental nest. Researchers speculate that it is attracted to large-screen TVs, down comforters and a ready supply of food.
The initial arrival of homo studentus in late December is heralded by the appearance of a large pile of dirty laundry. This is followed by other piles of shoes and clothes, as the denim-rumped primate marks its territory by covering all flat surfaces with its possessions. Within days, the floor of its den is nearly impassable, though interestingly, the creature itself seems not to notice.
It generally remains in its winter habitat through mid-January,
displaying the characteristics that make it a particularly intriguing
form of wildlife.
A nocturnal animal, homo studentus is rarely glimpsed before
mid-afternoon. Observers are warned: Do not attempt to disturb it before it awakens, as it can become hostile.
Once it begins to stir, it generally moves slowly to the vicinity of a
television and a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. Again, do not approach it; at this point the creature appears to be unable to engage in conversation or even to hear sounds such as requests to walk the dog.
By late afternoon, however, homo studentus becomes fully conscious and begins to interact with other members of its species.
Homo studentus communicates largely by using its opposable thumbs for texting. The species social structure is complex and communal. Individuals gather in collectives, similar to hives, with different individuals fulfilling specific roles. One may buy the beer; another may surf YouTube for funny videos of animals.
They will often congregate on sofas in family rooms, burrowing
underneath fleece throws and blankets. The pack can grow so large and dense that it may be difficult to discern which feet belong to which body. Observers trying to track the populations are advised to count heads.
Homo studentus is an extremely intelligent species, judging by the
creatures GPAs, their verbal interactions and their speed with answers to "Jeopardy!" However, scientists are puzzled by their inability to fold blankets or put dishes into a dishwasher. It may be that their brains have evolved to specialize in such tasks as remembering lines from movies and applying to graduate school, to the detriment of those parts of the brain that are involved in such tasks as hanging clothes in a closet.
They appear to be cold-blooded, judging by the levels at which they set the thermostat. On the other hand, their preference for indoor heat may be a function of not paying for utilities.
Those who hope to observe this species closely can attract them by
providing the right environment. Set out feeders, e.g. pizzas. Scatter
indoor areas with pillows. Provide premium cable channels and potato chips. Stay out of sight and dont touch the remote.
You may not always see the creatures themselves, particularly if you sleep at night. Some people have gone days without seeing the examples of homo studentus that have taken up residence in their homes. Be patient, and look for signs: A profusion of hair-care products in your bathroom, perhaps, or tire tracks in the snow on your front lawn. Eventually, even the most elusive of the creatures will show themselves, if only to ask you to buy more Honey Nut Cheerios.
The rewards of the species visit are substantial -- a window into a
complex society, happy noise in a quiet house, an impressive library of funny animal videos and the way your credit card feels so vibrantly alive. Indeed, many wildlife watchers are reluctant to see the creatures depart, and abandon their roles as observers to hug and kiss the creatures.
But the homo studentus season is brief. No matter how much the creatures have enjoyed the family nest and the use of their own bathrooms, they will soon return to college. Nature lovers must put away their binoculars, turn down the thermostat and bide their time until spring migration.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN
Contributed by Mary C
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
YARD SIGN
As I was driving home this week worrying about all the crap going on in Washington
and how my life was falling apart I saw a yard sign that said:
NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-005-3787
Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
FUNERAL EXPENSES
Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a
tour of Jerusalem he has a fatal heart attack.
The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him
shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100.
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the
undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1
million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?".
One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died
here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead.
We simply can't take that risk".
tour of Jerusalem he has a fatal heart attack.
The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have him
shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100.
The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the
undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home.
The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1
million to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $100?".
One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died
here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead.
We simply can't take that risk".
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY
Contributed by Julie C.
BARBIE DOLL has her 50th birthday this year......
Tweety Bird is 60 years old!
And what about all our other ....
CHILDHOOD
SUPERHEROES?
SUPERMAN
Wonder Woman (touch of menopause here I think?)
Batman and Robin
SPIDERMAN
BARBIE DOLL has her 50th birthday this year......
Tweety Bird is 60 years old!
And what about all our other ....
CHILDHOOD
SUPERHEROES?
SUPERMAN
Wonder Woman (touch of menopause here I think?)
Batman and Robin
SPIDERMAN
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
DISNEY PRINCESSES
Contributed by Julie C.
Cinderella
Snow White
Little Red Riding Hood
Sleeping Beauty
Jasmine (Aladdin)
Belle (Beauty and the beast)
The little mermaid
Cinderella
Snow White
Little Red Riding Hood
Sleeping Beauty
Jasmine (Aladdin)
Belle (Beauty and the beast)
The little mermaid
