WHO SHOT SANTA?

SANTA'S TROUBLES

RIVAL TREE BALLS

OOOOPPPPS ! ! !

HUNTERS BEWARE !

12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

Click on the link below:

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=BL29580922

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL

JOKES AND LAUGHS WOULD LIKE TO WISH EVERYONE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A BLESSED NEW YEAR! !

Thank you for logging on to this site. Share this site with your friends and relatives because a laugh - a - day does help to keep the doctor away - laughter is the best medicine; and the best part of it all is that this is FREE! ! You don't have to pay a penny for a laugh!

Remember, a new joke is posted everyday.

CHRISTMAS GREETING

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Click on the link below:

Christmas Greeting

MERRY CHRISTMAS

The instructions are a bit hard to read on this, but all you do is click the misletoe on the left and a piece of the puzzle will appear and you just put it on the puzzle where it fits. Kind of cute

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=ER13610552

FRUITCAKE DEPRESSION

ANOTHER "TWO-DAY TUESDAY"

Today is a "Two-Day Tuesday" where you get TWO jokes for the price of one!

See the posts below.

TIGER'S VISIT TO SANTA

Thanks to Carol I. for contributing this cartoon!

HOLIDAY MESSAGE

Due to increasing age, forgetfulness, and my decreasing ability to send cards on time, here is my card to cover every Holiday ..

Happy Friggin Everything!

CHRISTMAS CAROL PARROT

Christmas Carol Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.

Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then the parrot's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with the talented parrot under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under the bird's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to the parrot's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. The bird twisted his face, cleared his throat,

and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:



"Chet's Nuts roasting on an an open fire"

SANTA'S JIGSAW

Click here: Santa's Jigsaw - animated Flash ecard by Jacquie Lawson

SANTA'S REINDEER ORCHESTRA

Turn On sound

Click Here....

WOODS HOLIDAY POEM

Editors Note: Ok, I know this isn't a "Two-Day Tuesday" but I received this joke today and considering how this is still in the news, I thought it was good to post it now rather than later.
Thanks to Carol I. for this contribution!



TIGER WOODS HOLIDAY POEM


Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He'd been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He'd been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden .

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you're gettin' laid then I'm gettin' paid."

She's not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

COUNT DOWN TO CHRISTMAS

Be sure to check out the "Count Down to Christmas" in the right side bar.

Unfortunately, I could not get it to work as a direct link, so you may have to cut and paste it into your web browser.

Thanks to Rick O. for contributing this.

FIRST CARTOON

Here it is, Jokes and Laughs first of many cartoons!

If you have trouble reading the caption under the image, left click on the image for it to appear larger.

SANTA'S PROBLEM WITH NEWER ARCHITECTURE

To make the image larger in order to read the caption at the bottom, left click on the image.

A CHRISTMAS SONG FROM INDIANA UNIVERSITY

Without a doubt, one of the best Christmas songs I have EVER heard.

Indiana University's Men's A Cappella doing the Twelve Days of Christmas.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=2Fe11OlMiz8

FINANCIAL PLANNING AT ITS BEST

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father
and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the
most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

I may look like just an ordinary man, he said to her,
but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and
three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than
men.

A "TWO-DAY TUESDAY"

Today is a "Two-Day Tuesday" where you get TWO jokes for the price of one!

See the posts below.

LITTLE JOHNNY AT IT AGAIN: 1

Editor's Note: Thanks to Carol I. for contributing this joke.



It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of thequestions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

SARAH PALIN AND THE POPE

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationingsouth of Rome in Venice .

The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hopingthey will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any. The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through thecanals of Venice . They're admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff's cap with his pole, but his move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, 'Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry.' She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope's hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard. She hands the hat to the Pope a mid stunned silence.

The next morning the topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBSNews, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities,and in France and Germany is:

"Palin Can't Swim."

COMING SOON

Jokes and Laughs first cartoon is coming Friday, December 18! ! !

This will begin the first of many cartoons and pictures that will follow in the future!

Stay Tuned! ! !

SOFTBALL IN HEAVEN

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her death bed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight the following Friday, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly.

'Who is it?' 'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose, insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime,and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

DEAR SANTA

A letter to Santa from a little girl.

"Dear Santa, this year, please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer."

2 MEN PLAYING ONE FLUTE: J. S. BACH BADINERI

You won't believe it...fantastic!

Make sure your sound is on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkJ03vm8FJk

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000+ Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

CHOKING IN THE SOUTH

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,'Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,HONEY,COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, THEN THE WIFE ASKS,WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS........................HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO...DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!

KIDS SAY THE CUTEST THINGS

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. A s she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placinghis hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'. ________________________________

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. A fter mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

________________________________

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said,'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.'Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
________________________________

Dinosaurs are fascinating. My three-year-old is obsessed with them. Recently we were riding on a bus, and he asked another passenger for her name. 'My name is Deena,' she said. 'Can you say Deena?' 'Deena,' said my son. 'Can you say pachycephalosaurus?'

________________________________

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

________________________________

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, 'Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!'Deep breath ... 'What did you call it?' 'It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!' And so it does ...' A f r i c a n Elephant' Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?
________________________________

One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. A fter the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, 'Do you think she'll die?' 'Nope,' a little girl in the back said. 'I saw this last night on Fear Factor.'

________________________________

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone. 'Hello,' shewhispered. 'Hi, honey. How's your mother?' I asked.. 'She's sleeping,' she answered, again in a whisper. 'Did she go to the doctor?' I asked. 'Yes. She got some medicine,' my niece said softly. 'Well, don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?' A gain in a soft whisper, she answered, 'Practicing my trumpet.'

________________________________

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. A fter my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad.It's OK if you don't know the answer.'

________________________________

Even though the toddler was having a furious tantrum, his mom was unfazed. 'You may as well give up on the crying,' I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. 'You're stuck with me for 18 years.'
________________________________

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, A IDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' A n eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
________________________________

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Jermon, was constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. A fter poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. 'Hey, Jermon,' I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. 'Look! I found some chili.' Struggling to be polite, he said, 'If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it.' ________________________________

My last name is a mouthful, so when my three-year-old niece learned to spell it, I was thrilled, until my cousin burst my bubble. 'You can spell Sczygelski any way you like,' he pointed out. 'Who's going to know if it's wrong?'
________________________________

For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygienist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grandmother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles and mask. A bout ten minutes into the procedure, she got scared and cried, 'I want my mommy!' I quickly pulled off my mask and said, 'I am your mommy.' Without hesitating, my daughter yelled back, 'Then I want my granny!'

WHY IS A CHIRSTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN?

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?

It's always erect,
Stays up for 12 days and nights,
Has cute balls,
And even looks good with the lights on!

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMASTIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow their
annual antlers in the summer, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually
late November to mid-December. Female reindeer
retain their antlers till after they give birth in
the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition
depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of
them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around
the world in one night and not get lost

INDEX UPDATED

Just a quick note to let everyone know that our Index has been updated. Use the index if you are looking for a particular joke or jokes in a particular catagory.

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with our neighbor making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila XXXXXX

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

THE GOOD NURSE

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well,

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in
large black letters was the sentence:

"Get well soon....from the nurse in the Explorer you pulled over last week..."

NO SPEAK ENGLISH

A Russian woman
married an American gentleman and they lived happily ever after
in New York City . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.

She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you
thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

I don't know about you
sometimes!

BIG PEOPLE WORDS

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

'I went to visit my Nana'.

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done,

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?

'I read a book' he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.

'What book did you read?'

**

**

I love this...

*

*

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, ,,,,,,,,,,,,,

'Winnie the SHIT'

PASSWORD

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
the following password:



MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy



When asked why such a big password, she said "Well duuhhhh, it had to
be at least 8 characters long".

ANGELS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN

Angels Explained By Children

I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.

-Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it

-Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.

-Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.

-Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.

-Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!!

-Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.

-Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.

-Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.

-Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.

-Jared, 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.

-Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.

- Bill, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.

-Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.

-Sarah, 7

RUBBER GLOVES

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was Nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his Gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them Into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, She burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

ELDERLY ROAD TRIP

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. A fter finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. A s the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

THANKSGIVING JOKES

I wanted to post more Thanksgiving Jokes this week. These were video and picture (including cartoon) jokes. However, I am having trouble getting them posted. If anyone out there can help by telling me how to do it, that would be great because I've run into a brick wall.

Hopefully I will have this problem solved for the Christmas Jokes.

So, if you want to see the written (text) Thanksgiving jokes, scroll down below for the jokes on November 10 down through November 3.

In the meantime, I will post other daily jokes; so enjoy.

THE POPE & NANCY PELOSI

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, the speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.

"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

FOR CATHOLICS ONLY

This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

STABLE: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

MANGER: Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.




Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas :

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

TWO IRANIAN SPIES

Two Iranian spies meet in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S. The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers, 'Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish.'

WEATHER FORECAST

It was November and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. He had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. To be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold"?

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.

So, the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter"?

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied. "It's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again ordered his people to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the Chief called the National Weather Service again. " Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold"?

" Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure"? the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

HUNTING SEASON

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing50 mph! I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

So I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that crap?"

OSU / MICHIGAN WEEK! !

Since OSU and Michigan play this week, the jokes for this week will be about the BIG game; OSU / Michigan jokes! (can you tell I am biased?)

BUCKEYE MORTICIAN

A mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. The apprentice walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table.

Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its backside. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Michigan fight song come out the guy's backside.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor. "Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

Annoyed by the incompetence of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs.

"There, look at the cork in there, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please... you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then... the Michigan fight song started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its former position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of a**holes sing that song."

LAUNDRY

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting should I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Go Michigan."

"Use Hot Water , A box of Tide and Four Cups Bleach."

GO BUCKS

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Toledo Park near Ottawa Hills when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it breaking the dog's neck and saving his friend.

A reporter from the Toledo Blade was strolling by and sees the incident. "Toledo Rockets Fan Saves Friend From Vicious A nimal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Rockets fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since you are in Ohio , I just assumed you were," said the

reporter. . . . . . .starts writing again. "Buckeye Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific A ttack"

"I'm not a Buckeyes fan either," the boy said

"Oh, I assumed everyone in Toledo was either for the Rockets or the Buckeyes. What team do you cheer for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Wolverine fan," the child said. The reporter started a new sheet in his notebook and wrote:

"Little Bastard From Michigan Kills Beloved Family Pet."

And that was his story and he stuck to it! ! ! !

GO BUCKS! ! ! GO BUCKS! ! ! GO BUCKS! ! !

MICHIGAN JOKES

A guy in a Ohio bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?" The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am a Michigan Graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he is a Michigan Graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and he is also a Michigan Graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times"

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Did you hear that the University of Michigan library burned to the ground? A ll five books in the library were completely destroyed... the football team is really upset by the fire; they hadn't colored in two of the books yet!

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What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann Arbor ? Columbus : 187 Miles

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What does the average University of Michigan student get on his S A T? Drool

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How do you get a Michigan Graduate off your front porch? Pay him for the pizza

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Four college Alumni were climbing a mountain one day: A OSU grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal fan of their alma mater. A s they climbed higher, they argued as to which of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way to the top when the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountainside shouting, "This is for the fighting Irish!" Not wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!" Seeing this, the OSU grad walked over and shouted, "This is for the Buckeyes!" and pushed the Michigan grad off the mountain.

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What did the Michigan grad say to the OSU grad? "Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order please?"

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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store." "But, I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!" "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I better show you how."

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A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery, when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies a Michigan graduate and a good man." The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"

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Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan . A s they are walking, Lloyd trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp. "Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd both say they did. "You will each get one wish," said the genie. Lloyd offers to go first. "I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Michigan so that none of those stupid Ohioans can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high,and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!" The genie grants the wish to Lloyd and his is instantly whisked away to his new paradise.The genie now tells Jim he'll grant him one wish. Jim says, "Fill it up with water."

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Why is ice no longer available at Michigan football games? Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated.

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What are the three longest years of a Michigan football player's life? His freshman year.

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G O B U C K S !!!!!