SCISSORS

ANNOYANCE

THE PICNIC

Contributed by Nick V.


A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of
July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi.
"You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I
can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You
don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've
tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are
you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

ST. NANCY PELOSI

Contributed by Rosemary M.


Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington , D.C. , an aide to the former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi visited the Bishop of the Catholic cathedral in D.C. He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the
congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

As Pelosi's aide promised, Nancy Pelosi appeared for the Sunday Mass and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.

As promised,-- at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Nancy Pelosi was present.

The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Nancy Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self -absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit. Nancy Pelosi is
also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington , and in California . The woman is simply not to be trusted."

The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with President Obama, Nancy Pelosi is a saint!"

PRICELESS

Contributed by Steve S.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really?  Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

WHICH SITUATION IS THE WORSE? - 4

Contributed by Nick V.

WHICH SITUATION IS THE WORSE? - 3

Contributed by Nick V

WHICH SITUATION IS THE WORSE? - 2

Contributed by Nick V.

WHICH SITUATION IS THE WORSE? - 1

Contributed by Nick V.

WHY GO TO CHURCH?

Contributed by Nick V.


One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it
was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not
going."
"Why not?" she asked.
I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me,
and (2), I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go
to church:
(1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

WHEN VISITING THE DENTIST

Cont by Nick V.

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to take care of her teeth, he was startled.

"Excuse me, Miss, those are my 2 balls that you are holding."

"I know," answered the patient sweetly.

"We two should be very careful not to hurt each other,.....Do you Agree?"

MY JOB SEARCH

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,

But I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,

But just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,

But wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,

But that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,

But just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,

But any way I sliced it.... Couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician,

But eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor,

But didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.

Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman,

But discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company,

But the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center,

But they said I wasn't fit for the job..

13. After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks,

But had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT

AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

HERE'S TO ANOTHER WIERD DAY AT THE BEACH - 4

Contributed by Carol I.

HERE'S TO ANOTHER WIERD DAY AT THE BEACH - 3

Contributed by Carol I.

HERE'S TO ANOTHER WIERD DAY AT THE BEACH - 2

Contributed by Carol I

HERE'S TO ANOTHER WIERD DAY AT THE BEACH - 1

Contributed by Carol I.