OUR YEARLY DEMENTIA TEST

Contributed by Nick V.
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!

Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.

Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.

answer.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.


1 What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else … Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.


2 Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?












Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.



3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.

4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. InSwindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven..

Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!

 

If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

WHICH ARE YOU?

Contributed by Nick V




Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.



The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:



Democrat's Answer:
·Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
·What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
·Does the man look poor or oppressed?
·Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
·Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
·Could we run away?
·What does my wife think?
·What about the kids?
·Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
·What does the law say about this situation?
·Does the pistol have an appropriate safety built into it?
·Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
·Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
·Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
·If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away
while he was stabbing me?
·Should I call 9-1-1?
·Why is this street so deserted?
·We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
·Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage
such behavior.
·I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to
come to a consensus.
·This is all so confusing!
........... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
......... ......... ...
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
........... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......
Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!

TIME FOR A LAUGH

Contributed by Rick O.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one? If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?' *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The ' and 'IRS' together, it spells 'THEIRS'?

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

Contributed by Nick V.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? ' After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.' Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. ' Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit , A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered .. . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass. ' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. ' Submitted by RN no name, AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . 'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . . 'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.' Dr. wouldn't submit his name... 1 MORE Baby's First Doctor Visit This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile! A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came.'

LIPSTICK IN A CATHOLIC SCHOOL

Contributed by Steve S.

Lipstick in a Catholic School (You have to love this principal) According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 13-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers.....

And then there are educators!!!

THE NAKED COWBOY

Contributed by Nick V.

A Sheriff in a small town in Wyoming walks out in the street andsees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull offmy shirt.... So I did.Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.....So I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts.... So I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy. ' 'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blond Men do exist!
First time I have ever seen a Blond Man Joke !

ALABAMA DECLARES WAR

Contributed by Rick O.

 

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. "Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe ' s Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!" Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor." President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya." Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war." "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners." SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

THE FEMALE DENTIST

Contributed by Rick O.

A guy goes to a sexy female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: " I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!'

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill.

"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gives him a couple of pills. He swallows them.

 

"What are they?" he says.
"Viagra," says the dentist.
"Heck," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

WORD PLAY SIGNS

Contributed by Nick V.

Wonderful English from Around the World

Cocktail lounge , Norway :

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster in Johannesburg :

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP..

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In an Irish cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Thai bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID..

Hotel , Japan :

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest :

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE..

Hotel, Zurich :

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Budapest :

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME..

GIVE THAT BALLERINA A DRINK! !

Contributed by Nick V

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!”

The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She
turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to
be a ballerina!"