Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
THE OHIO STATE BUCKEYE FAN
An Ohio State Buckeye fan is drinking in a bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Ohio fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy. Gonna be an Ohio State football player."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, dude returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Ohio State Buckeye baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Ohio father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,,,,,,
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Ohio fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Ohio State Buckeye baby boy. Gonna be an Ohio State football player."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, dude returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Ohio State Buckeye baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Ohio father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,,,,,,
| "Had him circumcised."  |
Friday, November 25, 2011
Thursday, November 24, 2011
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! ! !
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE THANKSGIVING
T'was the night before Thanksgiving and all through the kitchen,
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
this rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !"
He looks all around and with total regret,
says "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life !
He flees from the room in terror and pain ,and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ?
Oh, shit, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell !!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
this rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
my cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !"
He looks all around and with total regret,
says "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet ??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe, I wanted his life !
He flees from the room in terror and pain ,and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell ?
Oh, shit, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell !!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake
but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ?? Is there still more ahead ??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
PREGNANT TURKEY
I know there are some hunters reading this one!! So what a horrible trick to play on someone!
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!
