Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
THE MAGIC MIRROR
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.
If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
RECTUM STRETCHER
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?"
"A rectum stretcher?"
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well" she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?"
"A rectum stretcher?"
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well" she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
NOW THAT'S AN EASTER BUNNY! !
He weighs in at 22 pounds and measures a little over 3 feet. he is a breed of rabbit called german giant (how appropriate!). this is his owner, Hans Wagner, struggling to hold him up. from the NY Post article:
We don't feed him an unusual diet said Wagner. He goes through more than his brothers and sisters, but he eats the same food mix. His favorite food is actually lettuce. He can never get enough of it.
LOOK A T THOSE FEET!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
MAN HITS EASTER BUNNY
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit
jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and
KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp,
dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this
again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit
jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and
KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp,
dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this
again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
JESUS STAYING AT A HOTEL
You of course heard about Jesus going to the Bethlehem Marriott. He walked up to the front desk and put three nails on the counter and asked the desk clerk. "Would you put me up for the night?"
