PERILS OF A BAPTIST UPBRINGING

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.


Recalling my old pastor, Brother Mike, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person!"


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So I did. . . . .

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I won't be at church this week. . . . . . .

FARM KID IN THE ARMY

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats
working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of
the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I
am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to
pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong
on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.., but kind of weak on
chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but
tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no
wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route
march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore
feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the
school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't
bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All
you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your
own cartridges They come in boxes..

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got
in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him
once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and
he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto
this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter ,

Alice

A PENQUIN GOES SHOPPING

This has been around before but it is a great watch!!!!!!!!


http://www.flixxy.com/pet-penguin-goes-shopping.htm

NEWSPAPER AD

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FIRST BOAT

A guy had just bought his first boat. He was taking it to the lake, but he wasn't quite sure of the correct procedure for launching a boat from a ramp. He figured it couldn't be that difficult, but just to be sure he stopped by his Union office for advice. They told him "Just don't let the trailer get too deep into the water when you're launching, and you should be fine".
Well later on, he couldn't understand what they meant by that, as he could just barely get his trailer in the water!
A picture is worth a 'thousand' words!!!!

EVERY DAY I LEARN SOMETHING NEW

I lost a trivia contest last night by 1 point.

The last question was, "where do women have the curliest
hair?"






.......apparently the correct answer is Fiji

HUSBAND DOWN

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

BROKEN COLLAR BONE

(Click on image to enlarge it)

THE QUEEN AND DOLLY GO TO HEAVEN

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts
God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,

A Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said...
'Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, ...so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello,I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Don't mess with old people.

Live well, laugh often, love much!!!

BIBLE SALES

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

STUFF - 4

This is so amazingly clever. Makes me wanna be in advertising.

How about this for smokers?

STUFF - 3

CLEVER ADVERTISING SECTION:WHO THINKS OF THESE THINGS?

I am sure I would be so distracted I would crash......

I love this one!!!!




What a great paint job!!
AND A GREAT SET OF HEADLIGHTS TOO !

STUFF - 2

And take a look at this! Made in Japan .
This is cool!
Where can I get one?!

STUFF - 1

Square Watermelons

A round watermelon can take up a lot of room in a refrigeratorAnd the usually round fruit often sits awkwardly on refrigerator shelves.Smart Japanese Farmers have forced their watermelons to grow into a square shape by inserting the melons into square, tempered glass casesWhile the fruit is still growing on the vine.

DEAR GOD - FROM THE DOG

Contributed by Judy G.



TO: GOD

FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a Dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a Dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad Dog?

Dear God: We Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good Dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

'Until one has loved an animal, part of their soul remains unawakened'

MISSISSIPPI TUG BOAT

UNBELIEVABLE! Look at each picture slowly and completely - in order to the end. If not for the photos no one would believe this!!!


The towboat is approaching the bridge with barges loaded with coal.

This frame gives you an idea of how fast the river is running, obviously at or near flood stage.

CRAP!! The bridge didn't open and the boat can't stop. Notice the tug has released the barges. He is backing as hard as possible to try and avoid a collision with the bridge.

Can't back down enough against the current. LOOK at the NUTTY people standing on the BRIDGE!

Uh Oh! ! The current has swung the boat around sideways.

The cook thinks maybe something isn't quite right.

The boss is going to be REAL mad!

Uh... Boss? Do we have flood insurance on this boat? The Tug is going under the bridge!!

Uh.... Boss? You ain't gonna believe what we just did! Tug came out other side!!

She's low, but the flag is still flying.

The wheelhouse door and the door in the second deck are now open. Look close at the bottom right hand side of the picture and you will see that the bridge guardrail is underwater.

Look at the water pouring out of the second deck doorway. The working deck is still underwater, but rising.

This company that built the Tug should get the government contract to build our battle ships. (And cruisers like the Titanic)

Notice anything unusual? Look at the smoke coming from the exhausts. It's still running!!!

Notice the prop wash at the rear of the tug. The boat is upright and back under power. Just another day on the river. Do you suppose the captain had to change his pants after all that?

HOLE DIGGER

Contributed by Scott G.



Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

NO JOKE TODAY

In memory of all the victims and their families of September 11, 2001, there will be no joke posted today.

A GOLF STORY

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moley, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock.*

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

JOURNALISM AS IT IS PRACTICED TODAY

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.


The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.


Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT

AND STEALS HIS LUNCH


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This pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

A GLASS OF WINE

Thanks to Ron B. for this contribution.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always
Seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) p bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health .
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

SOME OF LIFE'S QUESTIONS

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt
with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me


How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!


When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!!


Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?


Wouldn't you know it... brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.


Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?


Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher and, since it's in English, thank a soldier.'


And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

OBAMA AT THE PEARLY GATES

When Obama died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical, socialist, leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and Said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"....."You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"

BEST 2 COMEBACKS OF THE YEAR

No. 1 BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....
Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.




Number 2: Now We Know Why He Was a General -----

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought
there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and
abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting.

BREAKING NEWS FROM ARIZONA - 6